Do you want that competitive edge in this insanely terrible job market? Are you tired of sending out a million job applications and hearing back from maybe one of them? Do you want to stop slowly killing your soul with mindless interviews?
I’m going to give you the job hunting tips no one else will tell you about. We live in dark times. It’s time you learn to harness the darkness and turn it into your ally, just like Stephen Miller.
Tip #1: Hail Satan
Times are desperate and bleak. The number of people seeking work far exceed the number of jobs available. But you’ve got to find that competitive edge. No excuses. Make yourself stand out and maximize your personal brand with the mark of the beast.
During your first meeting with Satan, as he’s branding his name into your ass, just think about the desperation of the job market. The fiery burning of that scalding hot iron prod doesn’t compare to the struggle of getting through endless painfully dull exchanges about “your strengths and weaknesses” and “why you’re the best person for the job.” As your ass cheek skin is turned into charred flesh with the flame of eternal hell fire, you can feel the stinging assurance of no longer having to serially lie and exaggerate about all your “management experience” which were really just ways you managed your boredom.
Once you’ve got the mark of the beast on your ass, all you have to do is moon your way to success. Every hiring manager will be puckering up for a piece of that fiery booty.
You can see Satan consulting services success stories everywhere. Individuals like stars on The Real Housewives of New York, Jared Kushner, and Kim Kardashian have all gained fame and fortune despite lacking actual skills or ability. That’s the satanic difference. They’ve got 666 on speed dial and on their asses.
Setting up your Satan consultation meeting is much easier than you think. All you have to do is write a postcard to Mike Pence’s personal residence. Just scribble down “Mr. Vice President, I’d like to schedule a Zoom chat with your father” and he’ll know what to do.
Tip #2: Curses and Hexes
With the present extreme competition for jobs, putting hiring managers under your control with curses and hexes is an indispensable tool for interview success. Televangelists have already perfected this art by using the same words over and over again, employing wild gestures, and exuding outsized self-confidence in order to sway numerous people to blindly follow them. It’s brought them untold spiritual wealth in the form of private jets, drug-fueled orgies, and covert abortions.
Master the televangelist’s skills so you no longer have to depend on preparation, knowledge, skills, charm, shameless flattery, and sexual favors to ace that interview.
Set the tone at the beginning of the interview by asking “do you believe in eternal damnation, sir?” Then proceed to tell them that you can “sense the hurt in your soul.” Follow up with “SALVATION LIES WITHIN YOU” accompanied by wild hand gestures. At this point, the interviewer, quivering in ecstasy, gazing at you with tear-filled eyes of joy, will be ready to be your vessel.
Put your hand to their forehead, close your eyes, and shout, “Out evil spirit! OUT!” Tell them they need to repeat your words: “Salvation lies within me. Heal my soul, oh Lord; to avoid eternal damnation, I will hire this person.”
And then end with an “amen,” of course.
Tip #3: Ritual Sacrifice
Ritual sacrifice is back in a big way in 2021 thanks to the Trump administration! Did you see the way they casually sacrificed the wellbeing of the elderly and vulnerable for the benefit of the economy during this pandemic? What an inspiration.
As you stand above your strongest job competitor, ritual knife in hand, don’t feel bad – you are just following the previous administration’s lead. After you tie them down in chains on an Aztec human sacrifice altar, they may start begging for mercy. To assuage their fears, you can just tell them, “the economy requires sacrifice.”
And then you reenact the Temple of Doom scene pulling out their heart with your hand. With that pulsating heart in your hand, throbbing its last beats, you will feel the rush of career empowerment coursing through your body. And you’ll have the Trump administration’s trailblazing efforts during this pandemic to thank.