Maggie Boy! Quit hiding and come be my bitch!
That’s right – I want to play you in a no-holds-barred chess match, except without the clocks. I like to take my time and think through moves.
I retired from boxing, undefeated. Yep, I conquered that shit. Went 2-0, and then everybody got scared of me. Conor McGregor. David Beckham. Martin Shkreli. All fucking scared.
So now I’m gonna conquer chess, starting at the very top, live on pay-per-view. Billy McFarland from Fyre Festival is producing the event from prison. Ja Rule won’t call us back, but we almost have my mentor Spencer Pratt locked down to host. It’s gonna be epic.
Some people might think it’s not fair for me to jump the line of chess dorks and go straight for the champ. Fuck that. It’s not my fault I was out getting laid in middle school instead of reading chess books. But I’m not as green as you nerds think I am. I’ve been knockin’ pieces (I made that phrase up – do you like it?) pretty seriously for over six months. This is my passion.
I hired my dad’s friend Gil to coach me. He beat the computer on hard mode back in ‘98. I was already a badass on the squared square (that one’s mine too – what do you think?), but once Gil taught me how the horse is supposed to move, I became fucking unstoppable.
Then I picked up a few moves from that Netflix documentary about the chess chick. It really helped my game because we have similar styles; I play stoned too. She’s also kinda hot. Do you know her?
You might not think I’m on your level, but I’ve already beat some serious talent. I destroyed Takeru Kobayashi. Yeah, the hot-dog-eating champion. I also beat the shit out of Hulk Hogan’s son at Scott Baio’s New Year’s Eve party. He said he was too wasted to play, but I’m the one who roofied myself for my YouTube channel. You’ll be kinging me too if you ever decide to sack up.
I have millions of followers who know nothing about chess, and you’ve earned the highest honor in the top tier of the chess world. It’s the perfect matchup. It’ll be a disgrace to professional chess, but my fans won’t know any better, and we’ll make a shit ton of money.
Then other legit pros will want in on the action. I’m thinking Fabiano Caruana versus Logan. Garry Kasparov versus Aaron Carter. That Netflix chick versus Paige VanZant, in bikinis. All this will be part of the origin story of the Billy McFarland Fyre Chesstival. Can you imagine?
Don’t be a pussy, bro. Sign the contract.
