Dear all you left-winged-commie-loving-non-Americans,
Yesterday was 103 degrees in Nowhere, Texas. Now everyone is bringing up the big c-word. Well, two big c-words. Climate change.
I’ll tell you why this is FAKE NEWS.
- It’s colder now than it was two thousand years ago. Have you seen pictures of Jesus Christ? Was he ever in a jacket? No! Always a lightweight robe. Or perhaps a causal loincloth. You know why? Because it was hotter back then!! Two thousand years ago before this enviroMENTAL rubbish. He was on the crucifix – with no top on. Probably died from heatstroke. Thank his dad it’s cooler now.
- It snowed in lots of places in February. You know where it doesn’t snow? Under a hole in the ozone layer. Hole = no snow. No hole= snow.
- People tell me sea levels are rising. Another false fact. Sea level is always at sea level. That’s just math.
- Polar caps aren’t melting. There is a country made of ICE. I looked it up. Iceland. Same size as it always was. Lots of tourists, too. They even film things there. You know the saying: you can’t sell ice to Eskimos because there is so damn much of it! I always have plenty of ice for my scotch.
- Libs tell me that animals are dying. Do they even visit the zoo? There are more animals in there than ever. And they breed them. Even them exotic ones I like to hunt.
- Listen to the real scientists. The ones who work for big oil and gas companies. Oil and gas come from the earth so they should know what’s good for it, don’t you think? They say that building solar and wind farms do damage to the environment. Look how many materials and resources it takes to build those things, anyway. Plus, they are so damn ugly, blocking people’s views. That’s why Exxon and Shell stay well away from those harmful projects.
- You know what else happened back in Bible times? Fire, floods, all sorts of plagues. They had like twelve in a week. People were murdered! We haven’t had twelve plagues in a long time, have we? It wasn’t climate change then. It ain’t climate change now. Our firstborn sons are safe!
It really gets my goat that the world listens to some Swedish teenage schoolgirl from Switzerland but ignores great business minds like the Koch brothers. I mean, who makes more money?
Sincerely,
Wesley Smithington Jones III
President and Founder of the Climate Unchanged Foundation
P.S Don’t get me started on vaccinations.
