Travel is still restricted due to the ongoing global pandemic, and many people have had to cancel the European vacations they’d been planning for this summer. If you’re one of those disappointed people (or even if you’re just bored), here’s a detailed guide to transforming su casa (which is Italian for “your crappy apartment”) into the magical land of Italy!
- Play Super Mario Brothers.
- For breakfast,
eat the leftover pizza from last night with some old Medaglia D’Oro espresso from the back of your cupboard mixed with hot water.have a big glass of Montepulciano.
- Doesn’t one of the guys from The Sopranos have his own brand of tomato sauce? Order a case of that from Amazon.
- Leave the gun, take the cannoli, and if you want to try and beat “Super Seigen’s Magnum Opus” the level code on Super Mario Maker is 7523-0000-03AA-2524.
- Get an Italian Zoom therapist. I highly recommend my Italian therapist. Her last name is O’Connor, and she accepts most insurance.
- Take turns catcalling and being catcalled with your roommates – but only grope people who consent and show no signs of coronavirus.
- Knock on your attractive upstairs neighbor’s door under the guise of asking for hand sanitizer but hoping he’ll develop a corona-crush on you which will – you hope – develop into a corona-affair, which – if neither of you dies of coronavirus – will surely develop into a long complicated marriage, complete with actual Italian vacations, cooking elaborate Italian recipes together after returning from your actual Italian vacations, and boring your Italian couples therapist.
- When your attractive upstairs neighbor opens the door wearing a hazmat suit, don’t judge yourself for being turned on by it.
- Return to your apartment and heat up a can of Campell’s Homestyle Italian-Style Wedding Soup.
- If your soup looks like vomit, flush it down the toilet and make yourself a strong Negroni.
- Make it a double.
- Sing “That’s Amore” in your flooded bathroom instead of going to whichever Italian city is the one with water in the streets. Hum all the words except “that’s amore!” unless you are a show-off who knows all the words.
- Watch Under the Tuscan Sun, look up images of Raoul Bova, and consider becoming a fancy divorcée.
- Have sex with a stonefruit and call it by your name.
