The latest data models tell us the worst is likely behind us for most states. Now that the curve has been sufficiently flattened to warrant a careful easing of restrictions, our team of health experts can shift its focus to teaching the president that pee pee doesn’t go on the rug or in a garbage can.
Pee pee only goes in one place, and that’s the potty.
Our task force has done everything in its power to help Americans feel comfortable throughout this precarious situation, and now we must do all we can to usher the president through this difficult but essential developmental milestone.
Rigorous internal studies show that of the 30+ times the president goes during the day he only makes it to the potty about 40% of the time, with a paltry 20% success rate at night. We explained to the president that we would have to restrict his iPad time until he made all of the pee pee go into the potty, but that tactic was met with a colossal tantrum and further acting out.
Sometimes the president will adamantly insist that he doesn’t have to go even when he’s clenching himself and shuffling around during press conferences. Other times he says he only wants to use the potty upstairs in mommy’s room but then flees outside when we offer to take him there. We’ve told him that just because the entire nation hangs on his every word doesn’t mean he’s exempt from putting pee pee in the potty like everyone else.
The president has enough bodily awareness to know there’s a problem, but, developmentally, there’s a biological mechanism that must be engaged before potty training can be fully realized. We remind the president that accidents happen and he shouldn’t feel ashamed, but this behavior has gone on long enough. The national COVID-19 task force will now concentrate on the immediate implementation of new potty training strategies.
First, we will transition the president out of diapers. Accidents will initially spike, but psychologists confirm that wearing training pants is a necessary step for headstrong cases. We’ve heavily invested in new and advanced pull-ups specifically designed for accident-prone big boys. We’ve also purchased special nighttime underwear, the kind with an easy-open front flap called “The Orrin Hatch,” himself a notorious bedwetter.
We’re choosing our words carefully, avoiding negative terms like stinky and gross. A wealth of clean linens have been brought in and an auxiliary housekeeping team will be on-call 24/7 for overnight accidents, of which there will be many.
We will stick to a strict potty break schedule every 10-15 minutes and incentivize potty-going with treats like M&Ms, the choice of a larger treat from the treat jar, or, in particularly successful cases, a Big Mac. On occasion the president will be allowed to enter the bathroom naked if that’s the sole means of coercing cooperation.
The president’s aunt Elizabeth has been kind enough to send him a copy of My Thomas Potty Book, which features his favorite choo-choo trains from Thomas and Friends. The book seeks to encourage potty-going with colorful stickers and memorable rhymes.
We are cautiously hopeful for these initial strategic actions; our team of behavioral therapists has confirmed these methods often have a high success rate in assuaging fears of going to the potty alone without instilling negative reinforcement.
We will offer daily status updates as we fight our way through the first phase of this focus shift. Thank you for your continued support for and appreciation of America’s health workers. The worst of this will soon be behind us and we will be able to relax restrictions once the president of the United States can go to the potty all by himself.
