Thomas Edison is widely regarded as the finest and most prolific inventor in American history. Between 1869 and his death in 1931, he earned more than a thousand patents, many related to earth-changing technologies like electric light and recorded sound. But there are so many other things for which the Wizard of Menlo Park was responsible that have been lost to history, and that’s probably for the best.
Venn Light Bulb (No. 8,621,444)
Reportedly out of ideas one day in 1925, Edison soldered one lightbulb to another lightbulb, and in his patent application he claimed it provided twice the light of a single lightbulb, as it was actually two lightbulbs. In reality, it only provided half the light of a regular lightbulb.
Concrete Concrete Mixer (No. 2,101,982)
In the 1910s, Edison became obsessed with concrete, theorizing that it could be used to make absolutely anything. He set up a concrete company to make prefabricated concrete houses, in which even built-in kitchen appliances and furniture were also made of concrete. The concrete home had limited appeal, but it was more well-received than Edison’s concrete mixer that was also made of concrete, which tended to harden over the concrete that the machine was made of, rendering the whole thing unusable.
The Joyless Buzzer (No.8,777,203)
Like the joy buzzer, but instead of exiting an amusing buzz and a minor jolt, it emitted nothing at all. (Edison had a surplus of aluminum he was trying to work through.)
Bow Tie Promoter (No. 4,218,675)
Edison was fond of wearing floppy little bow ties. His wife, Mina, absolutely hated them, and withheld sex from him for the entirety of 1888 when he refused to switch to a more handsome, longer necktie. During that time, he invented this pair of glasses that when worn makes the wearer see their partner’s bow (or bolo) tie as a much more sophisticated ascot. Mina, realizing this was Edison’s way of meeting her halfway, relented, and resumed marital relations with him on January 1, 1889.
Professional Denim Short Pants (No. 3,922,450)
Otherwise known as “business jeans shorts,” plutocrats and barons of industry in the couldn’t be convinced to wear them, although in 1899, Andrew Carnegie personally ordered a pair dipped in pure gold that he wore while summering on his private island.
Multiple-Hued Pants Engagers (No. 1,506,819)
Rainbow suspenders, like the ones Mork wore on Mork and Mindy? Thomas fuckin’ Edison invented those.
Canadian Girlfriend (No. 7,113,745)
As a young bachelor, Edison’s drinking buddies teased him for still being a virgin. He told them that they were wrong, and that he in fact had a steady girlfriend, but that they didn’t know her because she lived in Canada. She of course didn’t exist, but Edison went ahead and patented the concept of lying about having a girlfriend who lives in Canada.
Tree Ears (No. 1,008,712)
As Edison succumbed to the ravages of diabetes and neared death, he developed dementia but kept working in his lab as often as he could. At one point in 1931, he hammered a couple of gramophone horns to a tree, and argued that these could give a tree perfect hearing. However, research showed that it only improved a tree’s hearing abilities by some five percent.
Video Phonograph (No. 7,612,082)
After inventing the phonograph and other devices that ushered in the era of recorded sound, as well as originating the technologies that made filmed entertainment possible, Edison combined the two pursuits into one. This phonograph played movies, although it was extremely expensive and its appeal was limited to unmarried uncles who worked at waterbed stores and did a lot of cocaine. Okay, fine, it’s a LaserDisc player.
For more similarly made-up stories about Thomas Edison and his tendency to invent things (and engage in amazingly cutthroat business practices) check out Brian Boone’s hilarious novel Great Men of Science, now available where books are sold.
