In troubling times like these, with an international pandemic at our door, I would like to take the time to remind Americans that now is the time to take preventative measures against COVID-19.
It is urgent that every American practice social distancing to protect from this deadly disease. This can be done by taking the most basic of precautions, such as staying at least six feet away from your spouse at all times, which shouldn’t be a problem, because it is already what we all do anyway, in accordance with His will.
We must do everything in our power to flatten the curve and give healthcare workers a fighting chance. And the number one change you can make to stop infection really isn’t a change at all.
Just stay six whole feet from your wife or husband at all times, but I really shouldn’t have to tell you this, because to most of you, it’s common sense, like tying your shoes.
But just to make sure you are obeying our nation’s very standard codes for spousal conduct, just go into the master bedroom with a tape measure, and make sure you and your beloved’s beds are far enough apart, which they probably already will be because most of you are upright, faithful partners who wouldn’t get too close to the person you one time had to kiss in front of your family at a church.
Another precaution that can be taken is to carry around two yard sticks taped together, so that if your spouse starts wanting to cuddle* or have some alone time* with you, you can poke them with your new contraption and sternly remind them it’s not their birthday or Valentine’s Day, and that we must continue to isolate from one another as we have done these last thirty-five years, as per the agreement every normal married couple has signed and had notarized at the county courthouse.
*slang for turning you into a pestilence-ravaged vector of plague
Eat dinner in the den, play computer Scrabble with your coworkers, spend hours “praying” in your locked bathroom, anything to stop the spread of disease and keep your honeybun from getting too touchy until 8:30 p.m. when they usually take a couple Xanax and are out like a light. Only then is it safe for you to walk the house freely, drink your unsweetened chamomile tea, and polish your tie clips, without fear of being contaminated by hugs and smooches.
We survive hard times in this country through hard work and sacrifice, but we don’t have to now. Because what you need to do to stay safe from the coronavirus is exactly what you would be doing during a normal day, week, or lifetime, which is avoiding the heck out of the co-ed roommate God thrust upon you.
And if all else fails and nothing can keep your spouse at a safe distance, see if you can crash at Reverend Smith’s house, because you hear his wife is staying with family in Maine.
