Let’s face it: we have just about had it. Every unretrievable second that passes and bombards you with the world’s crises, every moment you spend lamenting over showing up to a work outing, having a kid, drafting your will to said kid, being medically required to switch to light mayo… when is it ever enough?
That’s why we need to cancel linear time.
“But it’s the only concept of existence human society has ever known!” A common critique. But these critics shy away from the stark reality.
Remember that time there were no paper towels in the bathroom and you walked back into your geometry class with a wet spot on your pants and everybody called you “Pee-ter” for a year? We know you remember it. So does everybody else. Well, linear time is solely responsible for holding onto that catastrophic memory that will haunt your soul forever.
But with my proposed social-media-driven cancellation campaign, memories simply don’t exist and you are instead living all infinite possible timelines. Pee-ter? How about a timeline instead where you return back from the bathroom having transformed into 1980s Tom Cruise, doing a backflip on your desk? Or maybe one where you suddenly transport back to your very fun fifth birthday party. Even one where you just make a lap around the school and your pants are dry. And grow a beard. Who gives a shit?
Every time you’ve thought of the ultimate argument rebuttal days or even years later? You can actually live through every imagined scenario of you verbally demolishing the coworker who said he didn’t like Breaking Bad. What better way to utilize the unceasing, eternal knowledge of every moment that could ever exist than to prove why AMC has some of the strongest television drama to date?
And say goodbye to worrying about finishing that “big report” at work or whatever pointless things you’re concerned about. Getting the right infographics will seem minuscule when you are always constantly living through Stalingrad, that time you lost your luggage, and the entire roster of human death all at the same time. Goodbye, mundanity!
Naysayers will lament how “linear time is the only thing keeping us human,” and “how are you going to cancel how people perceive time using Twitter,” but we all know they’re just reluctant to accept the inevitable.
It won’t matter anyway. You’ll be living the only life that matters: all of them at the same time.
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