- Your enemies periodically get constipated!
- There’s no way to explain your true motivations via email without sounding like the Unabomber.
- When straight men call women “cold,” it’s because they’re not acquiescing to thankless emotional labor.
- Jared Harris is now the most successful Mad Men actor (who’s not in a cult).
- In an emergency, you can dissolve shirt stains with spit.
- Fun, made-up times of the year like “resort season” and “festival season” only exist to sell you impractical pants.
- Your 30s don’t have to be as emotionally troubled as Forrest Gump’s.
- If you befriend them, crows will recognize you!
- Maybe he’s just not that into you; maybe he’s suffering from clinical depression.
- Even the Jonas Brothers have a hard time finding clothes that fit.
- You’re within a few years of everyone forgetting how shitty you were in college.
- Babies ride in planes all the time and it’s fine.
- Roughly half of your physical maladies are due to not drinking enough water.
- Take a tip from Robin Hood: dark green looks good on everyone.
- The key to a delicate omelette is cream.
- Some shrews have a “venomous bite,” which they use to stun earthworms.
- Before phone calls, you should really practice your greetings and farewells or else you’ll say something insane.
- Instead of going to grad school, you should get Cisco-certified.
- To avoid heartbreak, pick one tone of wood for your furniture and stick to it.
- At least your life’s savings aren’t invested in a Halloween store!
- The best texters initiate only 42% of the time and follow up inconsistently.
- I know you think the opposite, but you would not be good at running a sheep farm.
- If we work together as a nation, we can probably bring back pen-and-ink advertisements.
- People will always give you candles, so it’s morally acceptable to burn your candles, okay??
- To attract strange cats, kneel and hold your index finger out.
- If you need to shut your in-laws up, start talking about the environment.
- When anxious people self-tan, they give off Cat Marnell vibes.
- There’s an alternate universe version of you who’s accomplishing everything on your to-do list. So go ahead, procrastinate!
- According to studies, Baby Boomers are still having the most sex.
- If you buy stamps, it will be possible to “send letters,” a simple task which always seems incredibly complex (because you don’t own stamps.)
- Red-haired animals like foxes probably confused our auburn-haired Neanderthal cousins.
- A good salad starts with your rubbing a garlic clove all over a wooden bowl. Alternatively, you could rub a garlic clove all over a metal bowl and wonder why your salad (and life) didn’t turn out the way you wanted. Either way, you’re going to die.
- People who urge you to “take risks” are either horny or in the middle of a manic episode.
- Eating less beef could save the planet.
- Proust wrote a masterpiece by focusing on his own feelings. You’re not going to do that but it’s a great example of how caring about your own feelings can be productive.
- The prehistoric person who figured out that cactus was okay to eat must have been a real pistol.
- Remember that time you were forced to record your first “real” job’s official voicemail greeting and then the top brass unanimously voted to change it after hearing your childlike mumbles? Cool memory, but maybe ten years is long enough to ponder it?
- It’s still possible for you to disappear into the Southwest and become a shiftless singer-songwriter.
