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    Home»All Content»Uncanny Valley»Breaking News»Suzy Tompkins, 4, Becomes World’s Youngest ‘Grandfathered-in’ Billionaire
    Breaking News

    Suzy Tompkins, 4, Becomes World’s Youngest ‘Grandfathered-in’ Billionaire

    Tomo LazovichBy Tomo LazovichAugust 3, 2019No Comments4 Mins Read
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    Little Girl

    It has been quite a year for billionaires around the world.  While Kylie Jenner was recently announced as the world’s youngest “self-made” billionaire, another milestone of excessive riches was reached as well.

    Susan Tompkins, better known as Little Suzy, became the world’s youngest “grandfathered-in” billionaire at age four. We here at Ten Figure Magazine have exclusive coverage of the story, including interviews with Tompkins and her family. The profile of Suzy below comes from our veteran reporter Cornelius Fateworthy IV.

    When you first meet Little Suzy Tompkins, you quickly forget that she is a mere four years old. Behind her Shirley Temple locks and eminently pinchable cheeks, she has the mind of an entrepreneur and the heart of a lioness. Her voice is as saccharine as her words are fiery. Like many billionaires, she is not without her vices. As I entered the play room where we were to have our discussion, it was hard to ignore the discarded Pixy Stix wrappers strewn on the floor or the three televisions showing the Baby Shark video, Yo Gabba Gabba, and The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, respectively.

    She explained to me, “The baby shark video loops on repeat to remind me who I am and what I want to be. I’m still waiting to hear back from Mark Cuban, but I’d really love to be the youngest shark on Shark Tank. Yo Gabba Gabba is how I open my mind to new ideas – watch it after you’ve eaten ten Pixy Stix and you’ll see what I mean. And, this is embarrassing, but Wolf Blitzer is my celebrity crush. I’m going on Ellen next week and I’m hoping she’ll surprise me with a chance to meet him. He reminds me of my grandfather.”

    That, of course, brings us to the topic at hand. Suzy’s grandfather, Edward “Iron Fist” Tompkins, is the eighth richest man in the world, valued at $62.3 billion. Starting out as a door-to-door salesman, Tompkins turned his small operation into the world’s largest distributor of imitation flavor products. You know those little flavor packets in every instant ramen you’ve ever eaten? All of them are patented formulas from Tompkins.

    On her fourth birthday, Iron Fist gifted Suzy a check for four billion dollars. In the memo line he wrote, “I love you – don’t screw this up.” A plaque with the phrase now adorns Suzy’s desk and gives a window into her relationship with her grandfather.

    “People call me a ‘grandfathered-in’ billionaire, but I don’t like to think of myself that way,” Suzy says. “You don’t realize how much work it was to get that kind of gift so early in my life – all the dance recitals, business classes, and vaguely racist stories I had to put up with. I have three older siblings, and none of them became billionaires until they were eighteen. There’s a reason I’m Pappy’s favorite – I earned it.”

    When asked what she will do with her new fortune, Suzy is understandably coy. She doesn’t want that kind of scrutiny so early on. However, with Iron Fist turning 107 this year, all eyes are on the family to see who will become the natural heir to the imitation flavor throne. Suzy discounts herself as a candidate. “I’ve always thought we were in a bit of a dirty business. Why make imitation flavor when you can make the real thing?”

    After an hour in her play room, Suzy’s energy begins to fade. Naptime approaches, and our interview must come to a close. As she thanks me for my work and sleepily heads to the door, she turns and gives me one last look.

    “I may be young. I may have been gifted my fortune. But my grandkids will be the world’s youngest ‘grandmothered-in’ trillionaires. I guarantee it.”

    Tomo Lazovich
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    Tomo Lazovich

    Tomo Lazovich is a scientist in Cambridge, MA. When he's not working on bringing about the impending robot apocalypse, he writes humor and performs comedy.

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