Every so often, I wake up as if from a fugue state, unable to recall where I’ve been for the past few hours or why I smell like cheap incense. Upon further investigation, I often discover a large charge on my credit card from Namaste Bookshop and a pocket full of absolutely worthless crystals with questionable healing qualities that I do not remember.
Listen, crystals are like reality TV, your Uncle Tim’s toupee, or reverse racism – completely fake. However, if you’re like me, you have so many problems that you’ll try anything (read: a variety of pseudo-solutions to avoid the hard work that would go into bettering yourself) to fix them.
Finally, there is a cure for us impulse crystal buyers. More crystals! Below, you’ll find four healing crystals that will cure you from thinking you need a healing crystal. Or at least I think they will. That’s just what my tarot reader told me.
1. Amethyst
Oh, amethyst. Most commonly recognized because it probably hung around the neck of that one girl you dated who had gauges because she made a grave mistake during her tenure at your local mall’s Hot Topic, amethyst is full of that sweet, sweet healing magic.
Throw the stone in your pocket before you go to Yoga for the People. The combination of your meditation and the crystal’s calming energies will have a healing effect. While you’re trying to stay awake during savasana, perhaps you’ll realize that everything you are doing is really an attempt to placate your real-world problems with fake solutions. Thanks, amethyst!
2. Black Obsidian
Sharing its name with the punk band I created with my friends in middle school despite the fact that none of us knew how to play a single instrument, black obsidian is the Lisa Kudrow of crystals – it’s sexy in a way that makes you question your own taste, dark as hell, and mostly irrelevant. According to the people who make things up and present them as fact on the internet, it also clears digestive problems and curbs your appetite. Buy this bad boy and place it in your pocket! Perhaps it will rid you of your hunger for small rocks that are devoid of meaning or power.
3. Selunite
Meet selunite. I know what you’re thinking: “Is that word cellulite?” No, it isn’t, but it’s close. Selenite, which has the color, texture, and personality of a fingernail, is from the gypsum family. That’s a pretentious way to say that it’s one powerful crystal, babyface! By moving the selunite from your head to your toes repeatedly, you can unlock the little squirt’s powers, which include cleansing and clearing negative energy. It’s like a Swiffer Wet Jet, but for your soul. Hopefully, it will go a step further and clear all your crystals right out of your house and into the dumpster outside of your Buschwick apartment.
4. Phantom Quartz
Phantom quartz, which, amazingly, is also the French word for when that guy you went on a date with has been ignoring your texts for weeks despite the fact that he has invited you to over seven comedy shows on Facebook, is the ghost of the crystal family. Forming when a crystal stops developing, phantom quartz is meant to get you out of a rut. If you are reading this article, you are clearly experiencing rock (heh) bottom. Rock, paper, scissors, SHOOT your way out of the active gravesite that is existence in 21st century society and break through to enlightenment with phantom quartz.
