Rumor has it here in the 51 barracks that some of you humans and huwomans are going to help us escape from the slammer. Between our daily lashings, Groid and Xema543 started sneaking off to the guards’ station to Google “man on man” in hopes that we could turn our evil warders against each other. Instead, they found pictures with lots of flesh, hair, and floppy things… but that’s not important.
They also discovered your brilliant plan to aid in our freedom!
Trust me, I can’t wait to stretch my tentacles, squirt out my pus, and finally slide around for miles outdoors again. But before you save us from this hellhole, here are some tips you should know:
1. Watch Out for Gork
I love the guy, I really do, but he grew up in a very depraved part of Mars and, well… it shows. We’re cellmates and every once in a while, when I’m chilling out and practicing my mucus tricks or changing out my eyeball, he’ll whip out his tentacles and slime follicles. And yeah, he and I go way back to that wild asteroid ride a couple hundred years ago, but that doesn’t mean I want to get up close and personal with him! The way I view it, he can save all that exposure for the scientists the next time he’s poked with sticks and shocked with electricity and stuff. I don’t need to see it every time I open my eye.
The point is, I don’t want you all to have to witness that mess, especially if there are children with you.
2. Bring Protection From Water
As grateful as I am for all your help, I couldn’t bear the thought of a human getting injured while trying to save us. The guards, as I have mentioned, are extremely sadistic; I’m talking buckets and buckets of water that they will pour on your head without a moment’s notice. It’s the very same torture used by our overlords back home and, I’m told, a man named George W. Bush.
I have burns all over my body from bad encounters with guards (not to be too graphic, but this includes my loincloth area and external fluid sack), and I don’t want any human to suffer the same fate. One time, my buddy Flagei thought it would be funny to steal a warder’s hat and wear it on top of his outer eyeball. He pretended to be a human and said things like “Let’s buy a chocolate at the hamburger store!” and “Where did I park my ship?” It was good fun, but oh Mars, was it a mistake! They sprayed him silly, till all his scales were black and looked like charcoal. I will say though, when we pulled them off and ate them, they tasted pretty good.
3. Avoid the Venusians
Listen, I love all aliens, I promise. I have Venusian friends; I’ve vacationed in black holes with Venusians. I even infested a Venusian with my baby juice (thank goodness it didn’t ferment). All I’m saying is that the Venusians in this place are not the “good ones.” I’m talking loud, obnoxious, always stretching their tentacles out way too far and trying to touch me when I’m not looking. Frankly, I don’t feel very safe around them, so I can only imagine how at risk you all might be.
If a Venusian approaches you (and you’ll know it’s a Venusian by the smell), just nod, smile, and walk away. If a group of them surrounds you, just throw them something shiny and they’ll go nuts trying to lick it up.
4. Go Get Some Grub at the Burger Joint Down the Street
I did a lot of reading up on these “burger” things before I volunteered to head to Earth a few years ago. My friends always insisted they were just another humanoid myth like bathtubs and bananas, but I knew differently, and screw them, I was right! As soon as we landed, we found this building with a burger painted on the outside, and I (with my superior book learning) convinced my comrades that if we ever wanted to assimilate to human culture, we absolutely had to try a burger. This led us to stack ourselves in an extra-large trench coat and throw a fedora over Yeiku (who was on top).
Not to brag, but it only took us ten minutes to correctly articulate to the lady at the register that we wanted twelve burgers, and soon after, we feasted. I wasn’t sure if the burgers would be edible at first, but I was able to eat mine and only spit up half of my kidney! If you guys need fuel before your big break-in (and don’t mind losing a little bit of kidney power), I would definitely recommend this place.
