Admittedly I can’t say that I’m the foremost connoisseur of adult video content, specifically those that center around well-established Hollywood productions, but it’s consistently baffled me that there isn’t a porn parody of the 2015 film Jupiter Ascending titled Jupiter Descending. Not saying that I’d ever watch it, I’m just puzzled that it simply doesn’t exist with this easy wordplay.
Frankly, it’s a shame that no one has taken advantage of this fact.
Maybe it’s because the film didn’t perform that well at the box office? Even so, who wouldn’t want to see an original, epic space opera in the context of an adult film? Again, I’m not necessarily advocating for the creation of such a film, but all the components are there: a hot male lead, an impressionable young female character and several exotic – and erotic – planetary locations where they could fuck. Seriously, this thing is just writing itself.
I completely understand if this is a rights issue, the Wachowskis are notoriously protective of their intellectual properties. Yet several of their films have been adapted into successful porn parodies such as The Dominatrix, Peed Racer, Cloud Ass-Las, The Dominatrix: Reloaded and, of course, the unexpected completion of the trilogy, The Dominatrix: Revolutions. So really, if those films slipped through the cracks, who’s to say we couldn’t see a Jupiter Descending? I mean, it’s been four long years since Jupiter Ascending was released and based on the success of these other titles, they should at least give this one a shot.
I really haven’t thought too much about the logistics of this production, so I don’t see why this wouldn’t be an easy sell for any prospective pornography parody studio. For example, here’s a basic plot description: A young woman named Jupiter Bones discovers that it’s her destiny to become an heiress of the universe by banging half-wolf, half-man Caine Rise and restoring order to the galaxy.
Was that so hard? The sets don’t have to be that expensive and at the end of the day, I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t want to see some girl-on-wolfman action.
Moreover, if the casting directors were feeling ambitious, they could reach out to Eddie Redmayne and see if he’d be interested in reprising his role from Jupiter Ascending. His character in Jupiter Descending, Balem Abrasex, would whisper and then follow that up with a scream at how much he’s enjoying watching the intercourse that occurs during the film. It would be a nice nod to the original film and give some legitimacy to this knock-off production.
Is it the title that’s turning any studios off from giving this smut film the green light? The title seems like it would be a no-brainer, but if the implication that our main character Jupiter Bones is constantly going down on our male protagonist, may I suggest some alternate titles? Perhaps Jupiter Asscending might fit the bill? Or if those in charge are targeting a different demographic, Poopiter Ascending would get the point across just as well. I mean, whatever gets this thing made as fast as possible is what we’re aiming for, right? Jupiter Ascending is not aging well so we better cash in on this as quickly as possible before general audiences forget about it.
Okay, I get it, Jupiter Ascending wasn’t what one would call a great film, or even a good one for that matter. Honestly, I didn’t even like it, but not a single person thought they could cash in on what could be an easy moneymaker like this one? I bet people who didn’t even see the original film would at least be mildly interested in a galaxy-traversing fuck-a-thon starring a knock-off Channing Tatum (presumably named Manning Titum). Once again, not saying I would personally, but there must be some investment somewhere.
How is Jupiterdescending.com still available as a domain name? How about Jupiterdescending.cum? This is money left on the table, people! No one has made a concerted effort to make a porn parody of this movie and trust me, I know, I’ve spent hours searching the internet. Not because I actually want to watch it, but because I refuse to believe that we live in a world where Guardians of the Galaxy: An Unauthorized XXX Parody is a thing and Jupiter Descending isn’t. It’s a disservice to the space porn parody film canon.
I don’t care who takes the idea at this point, it’s all yours if you want it. If you wouldn’t mind giving me a shoutout in the credits, that would really be going above and beyond. Plus, it would give me incentive to watch. More importantly, we’d all finally have the Jupiter Ascending porn parody we deserve, which is one that just exists at all.