The Position Challenge: Who can stretch a single limb without it popping like a Smith & Wesson .38 Special?
I See You Looking at It, Now Tear It Up: “It” being the expired 20% off Lululemon coupon that’s been on your night stand for like at least six months.
I Spy Between the Sheets: A little mouse turd or just some sock fuzz?
A Close Shave: Where our bodies deftly glide past each other and bristle with the barest of contact as we shimmy around the heap of not-charming-enough-to-be-antique boudoir furniture left over from Nana’s estate that none of the cousins wanted and we can’t fit anywhere else in our house and if it ever goes into the garage it’ll only get mustier and then nobody will want it.
Lover’s Limbo: How low can you go as you look under the bed for your other slipper?
The Backdoor Voyeur: Who silently watches you from behind as you bend over to pick up that laundry basket whose contents could easily fill two laundry baskets.
The Gentle Breeze: Wherein we lay on our backs, inhale deeply and blow hard to alter the trajectory of those beige flakes that sometimes fall from the top of the ceiling fan blades.
Tell Me Your Fantasy: You know, the one about how everyone at book club thought your comments were the smartest and they all suggested something besides WWII-era fiction for the next like three books.
Seven Minutes in Heaven: By which I mean I spaced out in the closet by myself and still forgot to hang my pants back up.
Blind Man’s Buff: Who’s that naked stranger staggering back from the bathroom and ramming his knee into the door jamb instead of just turning a lamp on?
Pick a Card, Any Card: And by card I mean that Land’s End catalog insert next to the Lululemon coupon – pick it up and cram it “you know where” (in the garbage can)
Open Your Mouth and Close Your Eyes: Also known as “yawning”
What’s Long and Hard and Sticking Out of My Pants?: Oh, it’s that screwdriver I used when I replaced the smoke detector batteries and I don’t know how I forgot it’s there but Jesus I almost rolled over on it.
The Mirror Game: In which we lay facing and mimic each other’s movements until one of us realizes the other was asleep the whole time.
The Sneak Attack: Where she must evade my involuntarily flailing arms as I start to nod off then suddenly roll over and unleash one last jimmy leg barrage (sometimes called THE CINCINNATI TAKEDOWN).
OH MY GOD THAT’S DEFINITELY A BEDBUG ON THE COMFORTER: Except maybe, yeah, it might just be a tiny sock fuzz.
It’s Getting Hot in Here: And I know you sleep better when it’s warm so I’ll just take a pillow and go to the guest room.
