By Ajaypal Singh Banga, MasterCard CEO
On the first day of CES, we joined tech giants such as Amazon and Samsung on the main stage to make our revolutionary presentation. They were busy talking nonsense about AI, robotics, and 8Ks. Talk about clichés.
Our Mastercard logo is now just two goddamn circles, and we’ve totally stolen the show with this announcement.
That’s right! Maybe you need to see it to believe it but our logo DOESN’T SAY MASTERCARD ON IT ANYMORE! CES was obviously the best place to unveil this next step in our brand evolution.
Why should no-word logos be just for the likes of Nike, Apple or Target? Do you know what you use to buy all their shit? Mastercard, that’s what! And you know where you’re going to be seeing those two circles? On OUR credit cards, at OUR retailers, at OUR events, and even on OUR fucking ads!
In fact, not only did we announce this at CES, we even dropped the news in a wordless press release. Cue the Internet explosion! Twitter servers collapsed from the traffic when we posted the picture of our circles! Probably because they are red on the left and yellow on the right just like the beginning of a goddamn beautiful “what does it mean” double rainbow.
The tweet linked to the officially-worded press release on our website because we’d hate for the laggards to miss out on Mastercard disrupting the industry. We couldn’t take the risk of people killing themselves over not knowing of our epic triumph.
Do we have to worry about the competition stealing my vision? Not a chance!
Our competitors’ logos are just text! They can never realize the future of wordless logos. As our president would say, “Sorry haters and losers,” because they can only dream of being known by only two fucking circles!
Like any jaw-dropping innovation, it took us years to realize this vision. First, we dropped the word Mastercard to below the circles. Then we spent over twenty months – that’s almost enough time to have THREE BABIES – talking to people all over the world to see if they could handle this revolution. The people practically begged us to implement these two perfect circles as soon as fucking possible! They said it was BETTER THAN THE ECLIPSE because you don’t need any special glasses to enjoy these overlapping wonders.
To help the world recover from this mind-blowing change, we are going to use up our stock of already printed credit cards with the old logo. If you act now, you could be preapproved to receive this piece of history! After all, it’s not like you’re using cash, thanks to that soul-crushing student debt of yours.
You’re welcome, CES. Sorry to have stolen the show on the VERY FIRST DAY but that’s the gamble you take going against Mastercard on the global stage for innovation. To make up for it, the next time you see a motherfucking breathless sunset, you can thank our red and yellow circles for inspiring the sun to be so fucking beautiful.