Tis the season of high alert! Christmas is right around the corner and millions of people will be putting their lives at risk in order to buy presents for their loved ones. We need to take real, practical action to protect our citizens from a potential attack during the holliest and jolliest time of the year. That’s why I am here today to announce the NRA’s plan to back a new bill that will put a gun in the hand of each and every Santa Claus across the country!
Every mall Santa, Salvation Army Santa, and actor who has portrayed Santa Claus on stage and/or screen will be required to carry a fully loaded firearm on their person at all times to protect this great nation of ours. Evil walks among us. The best way to fight that evil is by strapping the symbol of peace, joy and unfaltering love with a semi-automatic protection machine!
This new bill is called The Arm Santa Clause.
The goal of this bill is to put one million armed Santa Clauses on the streets of America by the year 2020. Each Santa Claus will undergo vigorous firearm training by highly qualified military personnel. Upon the completion of their training, the Santa Clauses will receive Level 2 security clearance, a $1,000 yearly bonus, and each American citizen will be required to leave a glass of milk and cookies outside their door every Sunday night as an offering to their local Santa Claus in exchange for the gift of around-the-clock protection. Plus, the milk will make the Santas’ bones strong enough to deflect bullets.
Each Santa Claus will be issued a list of convicted felons and potential high-alert candidates in their designated patrol area that they will be checking not once, but twice, in order to find out who is naughty and who is ISIS. We as a nation will not have to live in fear any longer! If another mad man decides he wants to bring a gun to a concert: Here comes Santa Claus. If another mad man decides he wants to bring a gun into a school: Here. Comes. Santa Claus.
If you wake up in the morning and find large, dirty footprints tracked from your fireplace to the rooms of your sleeping children, and even the foot of your own bed, you can rest assured that a man dressed head to toe in a bulletproof Santa outfit wielding a fully loaded AR-15 has climbed into your home through your chimney to make sure you are 100% safe. They will see you when you are sleeping, and know when you are awake.
Now, the Democrats and the Fake News Media may be afraid of so many Santa Clauses roaming the streets because of their ridiculous War on Christmas. Well, they can keep their non-denominational Starbucks cups and their all inclusive “Happy Holidays.” They need to realize that Santa Claus-free zones don’t protect anybody but the criminals. This is a Christian nation. We need Santa Clauses armed to the teeth with state-of-the-art semi-automatic rifles on every street corner in America. That is what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. It’s right there in the Second Amendment!
You may be asking yourself, “What does the big man upstairs think about all of this?” Well, I have personally sent a handwritten letter to the North Pole asking for the blessing from St. Nicholas himself. While I have yet to receive word back, judging from my 60+ years of positive correspondence with the immortal omnipresent being I am 110% positive that he will approve of this bill, because the only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and belly that jiggles like a bowl of jelly.
Merry Christmas,
Wayne LaPierre