If you haven’t already used your entire summer vacation budget to invest in Kevlar school supplies, you’ve come to the right place to find ways to beat the heat this summer with your kids. That’s right, since school shootings have apparently become something we have to accept because nothing has been done to prevent them, we’ve curated a list of things to do that should hopefully be safer than attending an elementary school, a middle school, a high school, a community college, a state college, a university, or a technical college in the blistering summer sun.
Go to an Art House Film
Since being shot while catching a blockbuster film isn’t far-fetched, how about watching a film that leaves you wondering what the hell you just saw in a nearly empty theater? Before you gamble on the film that uses the least amount of full frontal nudity as a storytelling device with your family, why not break the ice and watch David Lynch’s Eraserhead? It’s likely that your family will remain silent through the entirety of the film. Also, it might open a discussion about safe sex. In the world of parenting, that’s two birds with one stone.
Become a Scientologist
Expensive? Yes. Very expensive for a family – and possibly a terrible idea. However, it might be the safest church to occupy since many other religious institutions are suffering the same shooting problems as schools right now.
Sue Alex Jones
Before you have to comb through condolences on Facebook, wrap your head around the idea that “thoughts and prayers” is going to solve this continual problem, or prove that your child wasn’t a “crisis actor” as you shop for a pint-sized casket, why not sue Alex Jones BEFORE your family unfortunately suffers the same grief as thousands of other families? Hey, if anyone who wasn’t Alex Jones claimed that a public figure was a reptilian shape-shifter, it’s likely that they’d lose their job, end up institutionalized, or fit in comfortably with any person covered in pigeon feces uttering nonsense on the street.
Think of Ways to Prevent School Shootings
Believe it or not, in the time I wrote, edited, submitted the piece, I had to re-write, re-edit, and re-submit this piece because another school shooting took place. Yup, two separate school shootings took place in a single week. This might be the most important gem of advice on the list.
Given this relatively short list of things to do without being shot this summer, we’ll hopefully have more to do next year that excludes the possibility of dodging bullets in what should be a harmless, public setting. In addition to this, I don’t really want to write another one of these pieces. Not only because of the research I had to do for this piece, but the online research may have landed me on a government watch list.
