It is with heavy hearts, that Creg… sorry, Craig (sp?) and I announce that we are respectfully separating after our four days together in Fort Lauderdale over spring break.
This is a difficult time for our adjoining hotel rooms and we appreciate your sensitivity in this matter.
Ours was an intense love. We fell hard. In fact, we met on Monday night, when I fell down the stairs at Señor Frogs, and Craig was there, at the bottom, a Prince Charming in board shorts, accidentally on purpose grabbing my boob while he helped me up. He licked some of my spilled drink off my chin and I just knew we were meant to be.
He and I were inseparable for days. My roommate Beck, who drove the 27 hours with me from school in her mom’s van, said Craig and I reminded her of a two-headed humping whale. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but it sounds beautiful.
Craig and I shared so much. We laughed together, we ate together, we had a BUNCH of sex. We mostly ate Club crackers and Cheez Whiz in the hotel room because we are frutile… fragile… frugile. Whatever. We are on a budget. All our money is earmarked for ALC-O-HOL! WOOOOO! I will think of him every time I drink a 64-ounce hurricane or hear Cardi B. “I make money moves!” I’m not sure what that means, but I think it’s twerking?
After four blissful days of semi-conscious coupling, Craig and I have found that we can no longer be together. We will always adore each other, but we need to move on down our own paths. My path’s name is Jason. He’s super nice and high-fives me after sex. Isn’t that so cute?! Craig’s path has led him to some girl named Rachel. She seems sort of bitchy and she has weird feet, but we all make our choices. I have to respect his.
I will never forget the times that we did it in the shower, or on a crowded beach with some kid building a sandcastle a few feet away, or when we did it in a booth at a restaurant surrounded by our friends and loved ones. This will be most hard on them. We sat Craig’s roommate, Ben, and my roommate Beck down, and told them that just because we couldn’t be together anymore doesn’t mean we don’t love them and we wouldn’t always be a family. Beck and Ben started making out, so I think they’ll be fine. They sure are resilient.
We will, literally, never forget each other, as we have 404 selfies posted on Instagram. Are they still selfies if they are of butts? I think yes.
Every time I smell aloe vera I will get a little horny. Poor Craig passed out on the beach his first morning in Florida and got what the paramedics called a “second-degree sunburn” and recommended he “go to the hospital for IV fluid resuscitation.” Hahaha. Classic Craig. After that, he couldn’t lie on his back because it was all red and peel-y, but good thing I could lie on mine!
Aww. Now I’m feeling a little sad. Who will find me the grape-flavored Jell-O shots? Those are special. Ours was a love for the ages. Maybe I’ve made a terrible mista- oh, the beach volleyball tournament is starting! Gotta split.
So, we appreciate you respecting our privacy in this difficult time. You also find this on Snap, Insta, Twitter, Facebook, and in an email blast.
I will never stop looking for your left sandal, Craig.
Peace,
Taylor L.