Hey Americans, Canadians, and Europeans! And any other Western culture thinking about making bugs a regular part of their diet – my name is Lim and I’m a bug and I’m here to say:
Please fucking don’t.
Also, I’m totally not attached to Lim. Call me whatever cute name that will help you continue not wanting to eat us.
Because I’m starting to get real nervous over this new “Oh yum! Bugs! Protein! Not gross! Many humans eat! Cool! Hooray! We solve world!” attitude of yours. Two billion people already eat us and that feels like more than enough.
But it seems like every goddamn week your scientists publish a new study stating, “We should eat the bugs,” and it’s like, my ancestors didn’t migrate the 8,500 miles or whatever to the US from Southeast Asia to have you all suddenly hop off the bougie-ass “We’re too civilized to eat bugs” horse and start inhaling us like bags of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Don’t you guys have a word for when a dominant society capitalizes on an element of a minority one? I think it starts with a C and ends with “ultural appropriation.” Plus, if you’re all going to ignore scientists on real shit, like climate change, I think you should also ignore them on eating bugs. Just saying!
Besides, we are very fun. You all get so freaked out every time we come around that none of you have the slightest idea how awesome we are. If we suddenly morphed into humans, you’d be killing (but don’t kill bugs!) to hang out with us. We would walk down the street and you’d all yell, “Holy shit bugs, you’re the life of the party, will you come to all our get-togethers forever?” And we’d say “Yes!” Because we love get-togethers and making new friends.
Speaking of get-togethers and friends, bugs are freaks. We’re a bunch of crazy, nasty, little freaks. Imagine living in a world with zero societal norms and a life expectancy of like, two years, at best. You’d get it on like there’s no tomorrow – and that’s how we bugs fuck every single damn day. I don’t know about you but I prefer my meals not be killed whilst in the middle of a giant insect orgy.
Actually, I prefer my meals while sitting on a huge pile of shit. Because don’t forget, we’re almost always hanging out in, on, or near shit. I’m sitting atop a massive pile of shit right now and I fucking love it.
“But the cows are farting methane gas into the atmosphere!”
“bUt ThE cOwS aRe FaRtInG MeThAnE gAs InTo ThE aTmOspHeRe!”
So fix the fucking cows. Who, by the way, are so dumb, you wouldn’t even believe. Every single time I try to strike up a conversation with a cow, they’re just like, “Moo, I’m a cow.” Okay, Bessie, be more boring.
What I’m saying is bugs rule and cows suck. You’ll be better off getting your bug-hungry scientists to bioengineer some cows who don’t fart toxic gas than trying to farm the fuck out of us.
“Wow, you’re really smart.”
I fucking know, please don’t eat me. Just keep being grossed out by our creepy crawly-ness and let us live our short, freaky, little Caligula lives — without having to worry about being eaten with a pair of chopsticks by Nicole fucking Kidman. I mean honestly, what the fuck was that?
In return, I promise my friends and I will keep the cockroaches out of your kitchens, the flies away from your food, and will kill so many mosquitoes you’ll think they’ve gone extinct. Because we all hate mosquitos too. Those bloodsuckers are fucking weird.