NEW YORK CITY – Early this morning, Fox News founder Roger Ailes was found dead at age 77 shortly before his body dissolved into a gelatinous pink goop and slimed its way into the New York City sewer system.
“It truly is a momentous occasion,” said Sean Hannity, now the newly appointed Agent of the Damned. “Creating a cable news behemoth was just the beginning. Now Ailes has the power he desired for so long to turn not just Fox News, but the entire world, into a hateful realm full of spite and malice.”
Though the news is surprising to some, Fox News was already considered by many to be the embodiment of pure evil well before Ailes’ transformation into the personification of humanity’s worst attributes.
“This isn’t shocking in the least,” media critic Mitchell Gritz stated. “In addition to all the propaganda the network has engaged in, the recent ritualistic Black Masses and the annual summoning of bloodsoaked hellspawn have drawn a lot of criticism. The network’s looking to simply take the next logical step and awaken the souls of the unclean.”
“And I mean, these were the guys who helped bolster the Trump candidacy. We can’t be surprised, here.”
The network is actively pushing back against critics like Gritz as they mobilize their spectral regime, with several anchors coming out in support of what is being called “SlimeAiles.”
“Gritz has no idea what he is talking about,” exclaimed Vigo the Scourge of Carpathia, who has been given the much-coveted 8 p.m. timeslot once held by Bill O’Reilly. “Roger was a voice of sanity in a world governed by madness. His new form will usher in the Age of Darkness America desperately needs.”
All attempts to interview Ailes himself ended with reporters being doused in pink goo, causing them to turn against friends and family and run amok in the city.
