O’FALLON, Mo. – Citing evidence from DNA testing company 23andme, as well as her own findings on genealogy website Ancestry.com, Cassie Perkins said Wednesday she can now confidently confirm that her ex-boyfriend Matt Straywood descends from a long line of cheating douchebags.
Perkins stated that people used to question Straywood about his ethnicity, often asking if he was part-douchebag, but he would shrug them off without offense or discussion, like he often shied away from talking about any of his past. Perkins swabbed saliva from his toothbrush and submitted it to 23andme, hoping to surprise Straywood with the test results on their one-year anniversary. She wanted to bring them both answers about his family history.
The 23andme test surveys a person’s genome in several hundred thousand ways, and matches the information to their database, reporting back probable geographic areas of origin. Perkins said the DNA results reported Straywood is probably a mix of a polyamorous subset of Greeks; a small nomadic tribe found near the Caucasus Mountains called Pridurok, which loosely translates to “scheming douchebag”; Australian; and other “unknown douchebag descent.”
“Before the results were returned I actually had to kick Matt out of my apartment for some suspicious findings, including more than 900 texts to a contact named “Dr. Savannah Schlongcraven,” whom he claimed was his dermatologist,” Perkins claimed. “When the 23andme results arrived via email, I couldn’t avoid the temptation of reading them without his knowledge, even though we were no longer together. And then everything really made sense.” Intrigued and hoping to find out more, she continued her research on Ancestry.com without Straywood’s knowledge.
“My further research on Ancestry.com gave astonishing details,” Perkins said. “For one thing, much of his family tree consisted of one-sided branches, showing numerous single mothers. And for many of these women, the causes of death included ‘female lesions’ and ‘soreness of throats.'”
Straywood’s Australian descent could be traced back to 1788. A ship passenger log showed that a distant British ancestor, Thaddeus Fuxmore, was sent to one of the first Australian penal colonies because of a clandestine marriage. He then had an affair with an unnamed spinster from the voyage, who had also been discharged from England for “serial lecherous relations with intent for financial gain.”
The sparsely documented male lineage also included a random Early American ancestor on Straywood’s maternal side, a frontiersman named Elijah Stoutrod. In Stoutrod’s Ancestry.com file was a marriage photo showing a pregnant pioneer bride pointing a shotgun at him. The arm of another woman, linked with Stoutrod’s, appeared to have been cropped jaggedly from the old tintype photo.
“I was about to end my online research when I came upon a rare microfiche gem. It was a photo of an old papyrus scroll with what seemed to be an obituary written in Sanskrit,” Perkins shared. “The writing was unable to be translated, but the primitive drawing of an erect man with his pants down being stoned to death has a pretty clear meaning.”
