Haha, okay, it’s been very funny but the joke is over. Whoever you are, stop sending the Lands’ End catalog to my home. I know it’s not Lands’ End, because they don’t answer the phone when I call anymore. This has been happening for months and I am sick of it. I have never been to a Lands’ End, I have never shopped on the Lands’ End website, I have never even seen a Lands’ End. Is it clothes? Is it camping gear? I wouldn’t know because I don’t open the catalogs because I know they’re not real catalogs. I know as soon as I open it a big ol’ snake is going to jump out and scare me and my wife, and we’ll faint (or she’ll faint, I’ll pass out because I’m manly) and we’ll bonk our heads together. And then what’s going to happen? Who’s going to drive us to the hospital for our matching concussions, huh? Because I know it won’t be Andrew McLean, CEO of Lands’ End, that’s for sure.
Think of my family, please. I’m begging you. Every day, my beautiful twin boys, Todd and Todd Jr., see the catalog sitting there on the credenza, and they say “Daddy, please, can we look at the Lands’ End catalog? Can we open up that beautiful Lands’ End catalog and see the pretty pictures?” and I have to look them in the eyes, my wife’s eyes mind you, and tell them “No… No, Daddy can’t let you open the Lands’ End catalog because it’s a prank catalog from a stranger who doesn’t value your lives.” Doesn’t seem so funny now, does it tough guy? You’re doing that. You’re making me disappoint my beautiful boys. And for what? What sick game are you playing? Why send a fake Lands’ End catalog that sits on the lovely furniture in my home and tempts my family, like a siren calling to out to seamen in the night?
And for those reading that aren’t involved here, wondering why I don’t just throw these away: why would I imperil the hard working men and women of my local waste management service just because I am being terrorized? You want them to open the prank Lands’ End catalogs when they sort through my garbage (which they’re allowed to do, by the way) and scare themselves so bad that they pass out on the job and get fired? You don’t respect our waste management crews, our essential workers? What, so you banged pots and pans for them 6 years ago but now their lives are just meaningless to you and you’d allow that risk of them getting scared so bad from the Lands’ End catalogs that they get fired? I know I couldn’t live with myself if I let that happen.
Please, whoever is doing this, just stop. Think of all the people you’re harming. It’s not just me, it’s my family, it’s my community. The knock-on effects are immeasurable, and you’re treating it like some game. Stop. Sending. Me. Lands’. End. Catalogs.
Also, if anyone knows how to set up a GoFundMe, can you reach out to me please? I’ve had to build out two full additions to my home to store these things and the bank won’t give me any more money. They don’t seem to understand that I’m doing a public service by keeping these contained. I am also very in debt on binder clips, as I have to ensure these Lands’ End catalogs remain closed at all times for fear of the chain reaction a single catalog falling open could set off in the containment rooms.
