Chief Executive Officer (CEO): the King of the Wankers. Zero brains and even less experience. A privately educated dog turd in an expensive suit. Landed every job he’s ever had because of who his parents are. Dangerously unstable sociopath. Enjoys striding round the office perving on blonde secretaries young enough to be his great grandchildren. Owns several expensive cars to compensate for his micro penis.
Chief Financial Officer (CFO): another useless wanker, but one who has been handed responsibility for the finances of a multi-million-dollar company because he was the only one at boarding school who could spell the word, “abacus”. Related to the company’s Head of Recruitment. Makes financially absurd vanity decisions that nearly bankrupt the company before fleeing to fuck up another company or firing hundreds of poorer staff to balance the books.
Chief People Office (CPO): also known as the Head of Human Resources. Ironically, the least human person in the entire company. This wanker has about as much personality as the office plant that died because nobody watered it. Hobbies include watching paint dry, topiary, and writing down the names of enemies in his little book of loneliness. Almost certainly has a bunch of dead cats buried in his cellar.
Chief Technical Officer (CTO): as “technical” as a wooden plank with dry rot. Biggest accomplishment was building a Children’s Star Wars Lego set with his nanny. Struggles to spell his own name. Wanker who thinks all life’s problems can be resolved with a KPI spreadsheet. Several decades into a midlife crisis of wearing Lycra and cycling 23.5 hours a day. Verbally abuses staff daily with tales of the health benefits of cycling, avocado smoothies and hot yoga.
Chief Information Officer (CIO): has no idea what the company does. This idiotic wanker can’t fathom the push/pull sign on the entrance door but is responsible for sharing key company information with employees in a timely manner. Can recite the whole of Zoolander but unable to recall a single staff member’s name. Literal wanker, having been caught masturbating in the staff toilets more than once. He has a horrible fungal infection on both feet and his scrotum.
Chief Marketing Officer (CMO): such a useless wanker that his parents had to fund a new building at Oxford/Cambridge/[INSERT IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL HERE] University to guarantee their precious boy could undertake a degree that consists of making lots of pretty posters and planning birthday parties. Brags about the 10,000% reduction in brand awareness since taking up the role. Doesn’t understand brand awareness. The board member most likely to walk into a closed glass door.
Chief Operating Officer (COO): useless wanker who can’t operate Microsoft Teams without his PA’s help, yet responsible for the operations of an organization employing thousands. Uses words like “circle back”/“guesstimate” in the wrong context. Enjoys meetings about meetings about meetings. Takes 18 hours to complete the daily Wordle. His bookshelf holds an Operations for Dummies textbook, instructions for a discontinued kettle, and the children’s board game, Operation.
Chief Compliance Office (CCO): ironically, the least likely person in the company to comply with anything. Watches porn on his work laptop. Once stuck his wet penis into a plug socket to “see what happens.” Owns a soft-top sports car made for hairdressers in their twenties. Has blamed at least one DUI on his gardener. Six ex-wives each more than forty years his junior. Spends £18,000 a month on escorts using the company credit card.
Chief Legal Officer (CLO): arguably the most worthless wanker of all, whose job entails creating problems to justify his own existence. Picked last in water polo at private school and mocked for his below average skiing skills, so became a lawyer to “show them all”. Dry cleans his socks. Lost his virginity to a duck. Would win first place in the Insecure Arsehole Olympics. Biggest achievement will be the day he stops breathing.
