I recently went on a trip to Universal Orlando, and park-hopped between Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios. I wrote a weird disjointed article about it yesterday if you want to feel like there are bees in your head.
When we entered the park, we were immediately greeted by The Incredible Hulk coaster. A massive green coaster that turns you upside down a bunch of times and has a kid in line in front of you that won’t stop talking to you for some reason.
My dad suggested we ride it immediately first, and I subtly moved us more towards the Spider-Man ride, as I had a pretty strong feeling going on this insane ride first would make him, and maybe me, sick. We do share the same Gamma-infused DNA after-all. This plan worked, but all it did was delay riding the coaster by two rides.
In line for the coaster, my dad mentioned to me how cool it would be if you had The Hulk powers for real, using the example that in a business meeting, if things started going poorly, they would see you start to green out and then they’d give in and you’d get your way. I couldn’t help but wonder if there was any logic to that, or if he was an insane person. Would having Hulk powers not just be a constant threat of violence? Wouldn’t they call the police? Would carrying a gun into a meeting have the same effect?
When the ride pulled back into the station, my dad stood up and dizzily wobble to the nearest wall, which he then used to hold himself up. From this point onward, his ride selection would be more strict, and he would randomly need to sit down or eat some Doritos he brought in.
We made our way through the rest of the park, until we reached the town from Harry Potter that is right outside of the school. I don’t know what it’s called but my wife will. I am now going to yell “hey, what’s the name of the Harry Potter town?”
–
Hogsmeade.
The town was nice. It was snowing in mid-May, because the UK is fucking weird. At the end of the faux town, past the singing frogs show that was a little too “theater kid” for my liking, is a genuinely awe-inspiring recreation of Hogwarts. I like these movies well-enough and have never read those books, or any books that don’t have pictures of the character Hawkeye, and even I was blown away.
There is a ride inside the castle. The walk to get to it is basically a great walking tour of parts of the castle, and then the ride itself is a half dark ride / half screen ride where you see lots of the castle, play some quidditch, dodge monsters, and fight off soul-sucking demons. It’s kind of remarkable how much they packed into it.
Transitioning between real sets and screens of the same things is disorienting, even nauseating, and while I was mostly fine, and my beautiful blonde wife was never sick at all, both my dad and step-mom got pretty ill riding it.
In fact, building on the ramifications of the Hulk coaster, my dad got too ill.
Right after a physical prop of a Dementer shot out of the dark, making me yelp, I looked over at my dad, to see his eyes were closed and he was very pale. At first I obvious thought the dementer got him, but I quickly realized he was actually just sick from the motion of the thrill ride.
We then zipped hard through a pitch black room with spiraling lights all around us. I remember thinking “Jesus Christ, this room is going to make dad throw-up.” Then I heard my dad throw up.
Throwing up after the ride? Sure, why not, who cares, but on it? Inside the sacred halls of the place that has led to every girl I went to middle-school with getting a triangle tattoo? Badass.
I’ve thought a lot about this in the days since our trip. In the moment I felt so bad for my dad, even though it ended up not a big deal. There wasn’t much mess, the ride operator acted EXTREMELY nonchalant about it, and my dad didn’t slow the day down at all. A total trooper. I am so impressed by how he handled the whole thing. I would have been super frazzled, then probably spent a fortune on new clothes that say “butter beer is my patronus” or some dumb shit. He took his time, went to the bathroom, and came back out for more singing frogs.
This has led to me realizing that this experience is not only funny, but arguably the most progressive thing my dad has ever done. My father, a trans ally, projectile vomited into Hogwarts castle. He’s never seen ANY of these movies. I now believe that is a political choice he’s made without telling me.
Also, what a place to throw up in canon. Remember how she just randomly told us the wizards can magic their poop away? They’ll have my dad’s chunks gone in like 15 seconds. You’re telling me these dumbass kids are allowed to set trolls free and taser their friend Neville in the balls like 18 times but my dad can’t throw up a little bit? Get real. Dumbledore is going to give him points for this.