*Editor’s note: Our journalists didn’t pursue this story or really even know who these people are. Tucker emailed our scoop line saying he “finally wanted to go on the record.” Our fact checkers did a quick pass before we posted and were able to easily find evidence that Tucker not only wrote this entire story himself, but that the group is still together as of our publishing date.

Hey everyone. As we all know, Mr. Sandwich, the titular comedy trio, broke up in the summer of 2016. There has been much stipulation as to the events that unfolded to make such a dynamic group break up in their prime (they even had a 12 minute opening spot at Spazzy’s booked when they called it quits). Well, we did extensive interviews and have the reasons the group broke up in their own words.

Walt

Q: So what in your mind caused the downfall in your relationship as a group?

Walt: I could tell there was a strain on the group for some time. There were conflicting interests with my need to constantly watch movies that star a gross little goblin with a knife, Andrew’s need to be a big actor guy, and Tucker’s immense and friendly presence that lights up a room. I think it all came to a head when we had our last meeting. I had requested we meet at my apartment so I could get a quick viewing of “Frucknuts’ Revenge: The Ball Stabber.” It would be my 7th time watching the film. It’s kind of like a mix between Friday the 13th and if you made Jason into Slimer from Ghostbusters and he only stabbed people in the balls. It’s like a 3.5/5 movie. 

(There was a long pause in the interview as I expected Walt to talk about the meeting again, but he didn’t)

Q: You said Mr. Sandwich was having a meeting? 

Walt: Yeah. We all met at my apartment. Tucker showed up early, as always, and was excited to share some of the ideas of what we could do at our next show. I told him “Sure whatever, can you be quiet? Frucknuts is about to stab this guy’s balls through an office cubicle.” So he shut up and sat down next to me. We watched for an hour or so before Andrew showed up late, as always. Tucker expressed to Andrew that he was happy to see him and inquired about his most recent performance as Brutus in Julius Caesar. Andrew broke down into tears and exclaimed “Critics just don’t understand!” So, I asked Andrew to be quiet so I could watch Frucknuts transform into a mecha and stab Godzilla in the balls, and Andrew didn’t like that one bit. He stormed out, which wasn’t a big deal to me since this was like my third favorite part of the movie.

Q: And what did Tucker do?

Walt: Tucker did what he always does. He went to successfully console the melodramatic Andrew before returning and sharing 10/10 show ideas that we both were really jealous of, like we always are. 

Q: Was this what broke the group up?

Walt: I’m not sure. Tucker said some more stuff, but Frucknuts was stabbing God in the balls so I wasn’t paying attention. All I know is that the group chat was silent after that day.

Andrew

Q: Thank you for coming in! We can’t wait to get your perspective.

Andrew: Thank you, my fair lad. I’m elated to discuss my process.

Q: Oh, sorry. We were hoping to ask you some questions about your time with Mr. Sandwich.

Andrew: Bah! Those heathens!? I would equate their artistry to that of a chimpanzee with its own feces.

Q: Is their artistic ability the reason you chose to leave?

(He chose to sit down in a big silk chair he brought from home. He also did a sort of flourish with his scarf as he was sitting down. I think he was proud to be wearing one?)

Andrew: Their abilities were among the reasons, but they were not THE reason my dear.

Q: Well, where did it begin?

Andrew: To orate the tale at its inception would be best, I suppose. I come from a land called Clarksville, Tennessee.

Q: I meant the beginning of Mr. Sandwich breaking up.

Andrew: You sully my nature as a thespian. Fair enough. Tucker and Walter used to be my friends, my compatriots. They truly made me feel as a leader should, which would be great preparation for the emotional recall when I would play the titular Henry the Fifth. I must say, they did learn to try my patience, however. 

Q: In what way?

Andrew: Well, with Walter, there was a feature film titled Frucknuts-

Q: Okay, actually, please just say what Tucker did.

Andrew: Well Tucker would always listen to what I had to say about my goings on. I thought them to simply be a formality. I could never care for some other downtrodden’s wellbeing. It adds wrinkles.

Q: So you’re saying Tucker was odd because he listened?

Andrew: Yes, such a handsome face as his shouldn’t be listening to others. He should know his place like I do and ignore the uglies. I found that while he was so smart, handsome, and kind– He was just too kind.

Q: Sure. So, Tucker is the reason for the fallout?

Andrew: Yes, if I had to pick one sole weakness of his, I would say it was his inability to have a bad idea or joke that didn’t kill the room.

Q: So, what do you have going on right now?

Andrew: Well, I have this groundbreaking role in an auto-biographical drama that Woody Allen is making about his life. I’m playing his early years.

Tucker

Tucker: Hi! Marshall right? I’m Tucker, we spoke through email.

Q: Yes, It’s so nice to sit down with you.

Tucker: Of course! I remember you wanted to discuss my time at Mr. Sandwich. What did you want to know?

Q: Well, I thought we should start with what caused the fallout.

Tucker: Oh! Yeah, wow. I think it started with me not doing enough. I was writing, filming, directing, and producing all our content, but I would sometimes forget that Walt and Andrew were busy with their lives, so I think I– yeah I just should have done more.

Q: Well, it sounds a little like you were doing everything.

Tucker: God no! Andrew would show up to do improv on stage and so would Walt, so they were definitely pulling their own.

Q: Were you not doing improv?

Tucker: No, I was up there with them… Actually, a lot of the time they thought it would be funny if I did scenes by myself, so it was pretty difficult haha.

Q: Okay, so where did the breakup come to a head?

Tucker: Well, Walt wanted me to watch a movie with him at the same time that Andrew had a performance, and I wanted to support my friend at their show, so I encouraged Walt to come with me to see Andrew instead.

Q: – And Walt didn’t go?

Tucker: No, Walt went with me, but the entire time he was watching the movie on his phone and he kept tapping my shoulder to watch it with him. At one point, an usher came by to tell us to leave, and then Walt told the guy it was me who was watching the movie and laughing incredibly loud, so I was thrown out. After the play was done, Andrew came out to me on the street and said he couldn’t believe I got myself thrown out of his show. I tried to explain it, but Andrew turned away from me and said “Be gone from me, heathen.” So, I went over to Walt to say how I was upset about how he hurt my relationship with Andrew, but he just nodded and said “Sure, man” while he kept watching Underground Snorper 7: Gloop This! on his new iPhone. 

Q: Wow, it sounds like they were pretty bad friends.

Tucker: Bad friends? No, I love those guys. I’m sure they would say the same thing about me if you asked them.