Ever wondered if Ted Cruz won any of his high school’s ‘Most Likely To…’ superlatives? Of course, you have! Well, we dug up the voting results from his old yearbook—and Ted cleaned up. Take a look…
Most likely to lose his virginity to a woman who shouldn’t be inflated over 25 PSI: TED CRUZ
Most likely to build up a tolerance to pepper spray: TED CRUZ
Most likely to tell a date that pig skin is the closest thing to human flesh if you can’t get your hands on the real deal: TED CRUZ
Most likely to have to explain why he broke into the morgue: TED CRUZ
Most likely to ask the petting zoo owner if there’s a champagne room: TED CRUZ
Most likely to mail the police a taunting riddle leading to the location of a torso: TED CRUZ
Most likely to say to hear someone say “there’s more than one way to skin a cat” and chime in “but all of them start from the anus”: TED CRUZ
Most likely to vomit up a creature that runs away on tentacles and leaves his skin behind like a discarded gym towel: TED CRUZ (This one was his real high school superlative. It’s true, look it up!)
Most likely to emit a high-pitched shriek that causes iguanas to break out of their zoo enclosure and follow him to Payless Footwear: TED CRUZ
Most likely to demand a refund from the cleaners for not removing all the goat semen: TED CRUZ
Most likely to put on clown makeup and slow dance with a mannequin head he named Joyce: TED CRUZ
Most likely to hear police sirens and tell his family, “No matter what they find in the crawlspace, just know I’d never hurt any of you”: TED CRUZ
Most likely to make the code to his torture cellar the retail price of relaxed fit Dockers: TED CRUZ
Most likely to transform back to human just before he dies, eliciting a moment of sympathy from the villagers that chased him into the spike pit: TED CRUZ
Most likely to pursue a position of power to make up for lifelong feelings of inadequacy, impotence, and self-loathing: TED CRUZ
