Any horror fan who goes out of their way to be annoying about their fandom like I do knows there’s nothing more frustrating than when someone messes up or confuses the name of one of the iconic slasher villains. There’s a reason I ask every date if they can name them all and if they get it wrong I get up and leave the Burger King.
This type of thing is exactly why I am livid about the title of the latest entry in the long-running Halloween series.
See, despite now having had over forty years to learn it, my father was only now finally beginning to correctly identify the iconic killer from Halloween, Michael Myers. No, he hadn’t gotten the name right, but he was calling him “the guy from Halloween,” “the killer with the white mask,” and one time to my surprise, “the shape.” It might not seem like much, but it was a lot considering for the first three decades he just referred to Myers as “Jason” or “a Chucky.” It was progress, big or small.
Then the teasers for Halloween Kills began and he reverted at an alarming rate.
After the infamous dad-confusing title scandal of the 2018 sequel/reboot only being called Halloween, it seemed like this franchise couldn’t do any more damage with only titles, and yet here we are. See, the title Halloween Kills is a booby trap for moviegoing dads everywhere, as it reads like a name followed by an action. Dads’ susceptibility to these kinds of marketing confusions are simply too strong to not be almost instantly brainwashed into believing the film must be about a character named “Halloween” who does in fact “kill.”
For my dad, it started with some vaguely confusing statements like, “man, Halloween looks really scary in the new one,” or “has Halloween always looked like that? I think his mask is different.” Then as more trailers have been released he’s upped the ante quite a bit, skyrocketing into statements like “I can’t wait for the new Halloween movie. Halloween is my favorite killer. His name is Halloween.”
Even worse, when I attempt to correct him, his usual habit of hearing me out, nodding, then forgetting everything I tell him over the next few days is gone. When I told him that the killer’s name is actually Michael Myers, he confidently corrected me, saying “no, no, no, that’s the guy from SNL, you’re thinking Halloween, from Halloween.”
This whole debacle peaked yesterday, when, after a TV spot played during a college football game, my father looked at me and said, “Henry Halloween is back to his gruesome tricks, huh?” WHERE DID HE GET A FIRST NAME? Dads aren’t supposed to add their own details. This is one of the strongest movie-dad confusions I’ve ever witnessed. Unless I’ve missed something in my relentless research of the trailers, my dad manifested the alliterative surname Henry, evolving his already-mistaken knowledge of the Myers character into this new, potentially too-powerful Henry Halloween.
I am now firm in my belief that this is the worst case of teaser trailer dad confusion since the Ghostbusters were women. Something must be done. I understand it is too late for Halloween Kills, but I also know this is only the middle film of a pre-planned trilogy. That is why I want to implore the execs at Blumhouse and Universal to make the title of the last film as clear as possible.
I would like to suggest the tightly worded Halloween: Featuring the Killer Michael Myers (NOT the Comedic Actor), or maybe go for the eye-catching Halloween (Film Series) 3 (Third of the Sequel/Reboot Trilogy, Not of the Whole Franchise): The End of Michael Myers (He Is the Person – Well, He’s Not Exactly Human But You Get the Idea – in the Mask. The Scary One.).
I have thirty-eight more titles already written if you would like to get a focus group of dads and lock down the least-confusing one. I can easily turn on the grill and gather them myself. Whatever you want, Universal, just please do the right thing. I need your help. I have to prepare myself to explain the new Matrix and I can’t spare any more brain power on this.