I would like to clear the air and make a bold claim that I have been sitting on for quite some time now. Secret agent and pop culture icon James Bond can’t be that good at killing people. I know, who am I to possibly make such an accusation? Well, that’s the thing – he has shot his sidearm directly at me to start every movie he has ever been in, and he hasn’t hit me a single time.
I’m bringing this up now because the whole ordeal has gone from terrifying, to annoying, to flat-out sad. At first, the planning and execution of an attempt on my life seemed genius and genuinely caught me off-guard. I was sitting comfortably in a theater, preparing to watch one of the many films based on Bond’s adventures, when the man himself waltzed out to center frame and fired his iconic Walther PPK right at me.
I couldn’t believe it. I thought it was the end. Britain’s most ruthless killer set his sights on me, just a teenager at the time, but then, after the gunshot rang out, I patted myself down and nothing. I noticed blood pouring down the screen, so I do worry that he may have unintentionally hit a bystander near me, or possibly a camera person right off screen, but the blood was not mine. I checked many times.
I thought at first I may not have been his target after all; then he tried again… and again. Sometimes in the theater, sometimes in my home, one time on a flight. Seemingly anytime I sat back to relax with a blockbuster film that featured him, agent 007 walked out and fired. I’ll add that he has often been wearing a nice suit and doing a casual strut, overall behaving way too confidently for a guy who has now missed his mark an amount of times in the double digits.
I’d also like to point out how incredibly inconsiderate the whole thing is. I’m publicly supporting Bond and his exploits by choosing to watch these films, then he shoots his gun right at me. Unbelievably disrespectful. Just a few years ago when I was at the theater to see Spectre, Bond pulled his usual and the shot blasted my bucket of popcorn right out of my hands. I wasn’t injured or anything, but theater popcorn is expensive!
I know it is bad form to openly discuss a government agency’s failings, but the British Secret Intelligence Service may want to consider less of a focus on making an ink pen that can create a force field and instead retool their basic firearms training, because supposed top agent 007 has now discharged his weapon at me twenty-four times without landing a single shot.
Honestly though, more than it is violent or rude, it’s sad. What does it mean for future MI6 operations if their best guy can’t seem to kill me, a satire writer who hasn’t been in a gym since it was a high school requirement? To put this bluntly, he should be able to kill me easily. I’m literally the most unsuspecting person he’s ever dealt with. I’ve stopped while crossing busy streets to tie my shoes while wearing flip flops. Why am I still alive?
Okay, I’m flying off the handle a little bit. I obviously don’t want James Bond to kill me. My intention here isn’t to encourage or antagonize him. I just want to shed some light on his incompetence so that maybe the organization he works for can better their agents as a whole in the future. If the movies about them are even a little realistic, then the real world will need top spies ready to save it. Speaking of which, isn’t there a new Bond movie coming out soon? Maybe I should get tickets to that.