1. You text him asking if he wants to grab brunch on Saturday. He:
a. Doesn’t reply for six hours; just goes completely silent and doesn’t answer your calls or emails. When he finally replies at 2 a.m., it’s with a text that reads, “idk babe I’m really swamped. Not this weekend.”
b. Doesn’t reply, but does butt-dial you and leave a mostly silent voicemail. You can barely make out the words “incredible view” and “edge piece.” Is this a new sex position he’s trying with his mistress or technical talk about his newest jigsaw? You’ll surely ruminate on that all night.
2. The two of you are watching a movie at his apartment. When he goes to the bathroom, his phone screen lights up with texts from someone named “Selby” who says they “got the goods.” When you ask him politely who this is, he:
a. Gets quiet really quickly, then starts to visibly sweat. He paces the room a few times before telling you that he has a drug problem and has been trying to keep it from you because he didn’t want you getting worried. He asks you to never bring it up and begs you to not go through his phone again. When you ask him what drug he’s using, he yells “Robitussin!” and quickly changes the subject.
b. Gets fidgety and huffy before admitting that he has a supplier with excellent connections in the “high-stakes visual problem-solving” industry. He tells you this supplier gets him the best and most competitive deals on hot jigsaws that haven’t hit the mass markets yet. You wonder if this is a code word for something but are too nervous to dig deeper.
3. The two of you are out at a lavish dinner to celebrate your anniversary. The waiter comes over and tells your boyfriend that there’s an urgent call for him on the main line. He runs off to take it and you stop the waiter to ask who’s calling. The waiter pauses before saying:
a. “Oh… just a…. work acquaintance, I think? A woman? He works in an office with a lot of women, right?” You smile and nod while recalling all the times that your software engineer boyfriend has complained about how fratty his workplace feels with a team of twenty-five men. But who knows, maybe they’re hiring?
b. “It was Marc with New York Puzzle Company, something about a new shipment coming in.” You take a minute to really rack your brain on what this could mean. You have no idea what the kids these days are calling things; that could really be code for just about anything.
4. You run into one of your boyfriend’s roommates at Trader Joe’s on a Sunday morning. You ask him how he’s doing and if your boyfriend is getting over that nasty stomach bug he’s had for the past two weeks that kept you from seeing him. The roommate:
a. Looks around nervously and shouts, “YEAH, THE STOMACH BUG, IT’S BEEN REALLY BAD FOR ALL OF US” before quickly getting a silent phone call and running away without paying for his groceries. I guess the side effects of a stomach bug can be social awkwardness, though you’ve never heard of that. Anything’s possible!
b. Smiles and holds up some applesauce he says he just bought for your boyfriend. He mentions that bland foods and quiet, brain stimulating activity have really helped your boyfriend feel better.
5. You sneak over to his apartment unannounced to surprise him after a tough day at work. When you fling open the door to his room, he:
a. Screams and throws a blanket over his bed where a large mass is sitting. Sweating and nude, he nervously asks you why you didn’t text before coming over. You can swear you hear someone else breathing in the room, but try not to think too hard about it. He was probably just packing his suitcase naked again and didn’t want you to see inside of it. Some people are really private!
b. Gasps and throws a blanket over the floor area where he’s sitting, hunched over. He’s fully clothed, wearing his reading glasses and looks really relaxed. He asks you calmly why you didn’t text before coming over and invites you to sit and help him with his new 5,000-piece scenic jigsaw puzzle. You wonder if this is a euphemism for something.
If you got mostly As:
Oh honey, are you sitting down right now? Your boyfriend is surely, no-doubt-in-hell cheating on you. You caught him with another woman in his bed, for crying out loud. Cut that sucker loose, grab a pint of ice cream and throw on The Notebook, sister.
If you got mostly Bs:
Sounds like a classic case of your boyfriend getting balls deep in a new 5,000-piece scenic jigsaw puzzle! Don’t beat yourself up – the signs can be really hard to spot. But you might as well lean in and join him from time to time. Puzzles are known to calm the psyche!
