1. Hello hot boyfriend! Please reply to this text in a timely manner so I don’t activate my old abandonment issues that are the remnants of my last shithead boyfriend who couldn’t answer a text if his life depended on it. Even if my text was asking him if he wanted me to pay him $500. I mean it. I literally texted him that as a test one time and he failed. Now I’m bitter as hell and doing so much legwork to try to hide that from you. Anyway, reply in thirty minutes or the spiral begins.
2. Hey sugar! Remember that time you told me that you thought I wouldn’t be able to open the NutriBullet so you just did it for me? Was that comment pointing to the fact that you think women are inherently weaker than men and we thus deserve to be making less money on the dollar than you? Could you please fucking explain why the hell you think that’s the case when you know that I could beat you in a war of wits at literally any given time? Maybe let me struggle with the blender for a minute next time.
3. Hey hotshot! I’m wondering if you saw my earlier text about what time you’re coming over after work? I mean, it’s not like I sit around all day thinking about us and our relationship and our dynamic and what to cook you for dinner so you think I’m a smart, healthy girlfriend. The least you could do would be to reply with a time, idiot!
4. Do you know that sometimes, when I know you’re scheduled to come over and hang out over the weekend, I go to the grocery store on Friday and inspect every single carton of green grapes to find the absolute best and shiniest ones because I know you like green grapes and I want you to have the very best ones in the whole store, so that you may end up associating excellent food with an excellent girlfriend and we may have a fruitful and positive relationship? And then sometimes you come over and I tell you I bought grapes and you say you’d rather just have an apple. All that work for nothing. So yeah, maybe you could do the bare minimum and reply to this.
5. Good morning sweet boy! Sorry to tear you away from your white male privilege and everything, but us less fortunate are still alive too – barely. I bet you’re just over there, sipping your coffee, knowing the world was built for your enjoyment alone. If you don’t text me back in ten minutes I’m gonna show up and set a fire in the basement of your building. While I’m here could you please tell me if you want your bagel toasted or not because I’m going to get you one on the way.
6. Hey, cutie! Ever heard of gender-based discrimination? I bet you haven’t because it doesn’t freaking touch your life. Reply to this or I send a novel on the plight of white women in this country. Anyway, can you come to brunch Sunday or what?
7. Hello, darling! You know when you gave me your mom’s number for emergencies? I’m so damn close to texting her a list of the times you made a comment that made me feel insecure so she can call and reprimand her asshole kid. Also, did you eat my last banana because I can’t find it anywhere and I’m convinced you’re stealing from me.
8. Hiya honey! Wanna meet me outside in forty-five minutes to get coffee? I’m in a weird mood and think my hormones are going crazy.
