Well, the one thing I didn’t want to happen has happened. My stimulus check finally came through and I’m $600 wealthier, but it might as well have stayed in the government’s sweaty pockets, because hit wellness and lifestyle brand Goop has already run out of their flagship item, candles that smell like Iron Man 3 star Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.
This is extremely crushing to me specifically, considering I’ve been eyeing the candle since the first stimulus check hit back in April. I had originally planned to spend that check on one of the alluring candles, but some minor issues with my current living situation removed that from my list of possibilities. I won’t get too into it here, but let’s just say mother and father decided charging me rent might be a “learning experience” and “help push me from the nest.” It was a nice try, but I called their bluff and paid in full, over the course of several payments.
So I have spent the last nine months patiently awaiting another opportunity to acquire the candle that evaded me so. I’m sure that with this new contextual anecdote, you can now see why losing out on yet another chance at my prize has given me such dismay.
I do take some fault, as I knew that nearly everyone would be rushing to spend their checks on the infamous female-scented candles and I would have to act fast. Unfortunately, a small delay in my stimulus check’s arrival was all it took. I requested a physical check be mailed to my home address instead of opting for digital transfer. At the time, I calculated that it would be quicker than asking mother for my routing number. This would be my ultimate mistake.
When I gleefully checked the Goop home site this morning, the raving pack of freshly stimulated Goop fanatics had beaten me there, and the candle scented after Gweneth Paltrow’s vagina was out of stock.
I’ve now waited all day, with no sign that the candle will be restocked. I even considered settling for one of the less popular vagina candles. I checked for Ana De Armas, Kate Beckinsale, even Dame Judi Dench. All were sold out.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m quite peeved at the team over at Goop. Good business ethics are based on supply and demand, and you clearly have all the demand with no supply. I await the next stimulus check, truly hoping I can finally capture the holy grail that is a Gwyneth Paltrow pussy candle, but until then, it looks like I have $600 to spend on Bella Thorne’s OnlyFans. I think she’ll really appreciate it.