Let these documents serve as a proposal for many profitable ventures for which I am qualified. Being a successful well-known actor and celebrity, I am capable of branching out and developing numerous non-related revenue streams. Though I do not come from a business background, I have enough money to pay people who do. Though I do not have any background remotely in any of the endeavors for which I am about to outline, I do have celebrity, which people will mindlessly buy into no matter if I am unqualified or emphatically unqualified.
My first embarkation into entrepreneurship concerns my book proposals. The first manuscript I will compose will be an anthology of stories. These stories will be mediocre, mildly funny and insightful, but a team of highly-paid editors will polish them to at least garner three-and-a-half star Amazon reviews. The second manuscript will be my memoir, which will include titillating peeks into the life of a famous actor such as myself, and the boring parts of my life will be replaced with exaggeration and half-truthful stories from hazy memories involving alcohol, weed, and other A-list actors.
Even if the ratings and reviews are subpar, there will be plenty of preorders based on the influence of my career thus far. Also, the bombardment of my face on my other simultaneous ventures will ensure token purchases by thousands of fans with only a superficial knowledge of my writing talent. In my acting days, I memorized words, so what should be so hard with putting words on paper for at least two hundred or so pages?
Apart from my two lucrative book proposals is my pitch for a cooking show, featuring yours truly behind the counter. Up until now, I have had executive studio chefs and private five-star cooks create all my meals for me. I may have little experience with recipes, let alone HGTV-worthy gourmet cooking, but I have cursorily watched the top chefs I hired and know where things are in the cupboards. Not to mention, I can be directed – I think I have proven that. So all you would have to do is tell me what to do, right? Hold the chicken this way, sprinkle the saffron that way, etc., etc. If I can act in movies, and pretend to be a writer, certainly I can hoodwink millions of viewers with my celebrity cooking.
Now that I think of it, with my books and cooking show, why not have me write a cookbook? Now I may not have the thuggish panache found in Snoop Dog’s or Machete’s new cookbooks, but I can certainly invent some recipes based on my famous movie lines. Plus, I can put my face on the cover – shouldn’t this be enough? They’ve seen me in movies, they’ve seen me on other books and on HGTV, so why wouldn’t they see me peddling unoriginal recipes in Barnes & Noble or on Amazon? And if my recipes suck, I can always hire a real chef to make them up. After I pay for them, they’re mine anyway, right?
So far I have outlined my more genteel enterprises. Now, I’d like to bring you in on my whopper of an idea: MMA training videos and instructional books. Sure, I’ve never trained for any mixed martial arts competitions nor had many roles in action/fighting movies. But I can assure you, I know where to find a good personal trainer, and with my hired chefs who can cater to a health-conscious stay-fit diet, I can surely keep in shape and appear to know what I’m doing. I can learn a bunch of moves on YouTube and from an MMA-trained stuntman who’s a friend of mine. Maybe Joe Rogan could talk to me and give some pointers. No, no, I would never fight in a match. After all, I have to keep my appearance. Can’t have any hanging ears or bloated brow-ridges in my cooking show, can we? Yes, I would only teach subscribers fighting moves, no opponents necessary. Maybe the first preorders could get a free pair of autographed training gloves? Gotta hook ‘em, just like the opening scenes of my movies.
As you can see, I am qualified to be an authority in literature, culinary arts, and martial arts, just like many other former actors with varying degrees of success. If you have a recognizable face and anything resembling – even a smidgen of – a personality, you can establish in a couple months what it may have taken others decades to achieve. Sure, hard work and merit seem to grant other writers, artists, and entrepreneurs renowned success. But why not skip all that when you’re already a “star?”
