Author: Nolan Yard

“I say—you there, boy!” “Yes, sir?” “You know that gigantic goose hanging in the poulter’s shop around the corner?” “You mean the one as big as me?” Scrooge laughs and speaks to himself, shaking his head. “Remarkable boy. A pleasure to talk to.” Then to the boy: “The very same. Go buy it for me. Come back within five minutes and you’ll get half a crown.” “They already sold it, sir,” the boy says, solemnly removing his cap. “In fact, all meats have been bought out just last night on account of the holiday ‘n all.” Scrooge frowns. “Oh, well…for…

At one time we were merry. He promised us good benefits – for our health, wellbeing, educational development, and retirement. Truth is, there aren’t that many good healers in the kingdom and there are not really that many great places to do yoga in Sherwood Forest.  The ground is littered with wet leaves from all the rain. This is England, not New Delhi. It’s cold, even in our thatched homes and communal canopies. Namaste under these blankets and furs. Robin’s hand-picked instructors need to learn how to build better fires.  There’s not much opportunity for professional advancement, either. Sure, there’s…

There’s no expiration date on the packet. I’ve been rubbing my head all morning. It looks as if bed hair had bed hair. I remember other packets having dates marked 1 1/2 years in advance. But then, I think this has been in the pantry for that long, wedged between crackers I thought were another color and a jar of olives that didn’t have tentacles last time. Whatever. It’s 11 degrees outside and our heater is broken. Perchance I won’t get sick. If I do get sick, perhaps it’ll be mild, not like a trip-to-the-ICU or found-passed-out-at-the-base-of-the-toilet sick. Chocolate is…

Oh, great. Another ambush at the pass. This never gets old. Sure, I’ll just stand here while you use me for cover. Thanks for not putting earmuffs on me, again, by the way. Think this shootout’s loud? Try having horse ears. If you think I’m going down this steep incline for another take, you’re out of your goddamned mind. Hey boss, why do we have to always film in the canyon with cactus? There’s a perfectly good canyon a mile from here with, you guessed it, NO cactus. Again with the “I stopped to water the horses” line. If I could…

1) It can work for many occasions  –  birthdays, family dinners, picnics, while out on a hike, or last-minute crises at a wedding. 2) It is very compact, so nothing falls out. Everything is held together in one place. 3) Break it open and it will bring a tear to your eye. 4) There’s so many highlights inside. You won’t even know where to begin. 5) Feeling lousy and inadequate? Whip out this puppy and I guarantee it’s a game-changer. 6) Its origin is in a foreign country, and the craftsmanship is meticulous, precise, and inventive. 7) This thing can…

You think a suburban stiff doesn’t know how to party in the kitchen? That it’s all Lean Cuisines, Smart Choice, and Amy’s Light and Lean? No way, Jose Ole! When the workweek ends, the cooking party begins. I’m talking serious business. First, I set the mood with my ’80s mix on my music app. Nothing tops Tina Turner’s “The Best” when you’re defrosting cauliflower rice in a lightly oiled Costco pan. Oh yeah, baby, you better believe I get my hips swingin’. I just feel the beat, feel the rhythm, and in no way – and I repeat, in no…

For a decade now, I still think back to the time a macaw called me Barbara. First off, I’m a dude. Secondly, I’m a pretty manly dude  – at least that’s what I’ve been told. My jaw is quite square, shoulders are broad, and though I can’t grow a full beard, I’ve got a Cary Elwes chin-scruff thing going. But the audacity of it all. Barbara? I can’t shake it, even after all these years. How could I imagine? I go on vacation to the Big Island, my wife and I visit a local zoo, and right at the entrance…

These beans that are refried possess splendor of flavor. Do not commit the travesty of forgoing procurement of the large can. This ensures enough for young wards Periwinkle and Arabella to partake in that fiesta dip you so deftly prepare. Like strands of freshly cut grass fluttering about one’s windswept visage, the shredded cheese awaits pouring of itself all over your face between midnight and witching hour. The late-night snack will be devoid of dairy if you skip this item. And remember, Periwinkle and Arabella will want this topper to fiesta dip. This line calls for that so slight, precious…

Think of it as a “get-a-stay” Let’s face it. You need a vacation from your staycation. But you’re going about it all wrong. We all know you don’t want to risk traveling yet, so stay in with style! 1. For starters, try luxuriating in front of your kitchen sink. The sun filters through the window just beyond the faucet. It blinds you as you wash endless dishes in these endless days of subpar meals you cooked on Sunday.  2. Next, bask in the tranquility of your half bath. The room’s so small that sound can’t travel. So get in your…

Zorro Deese wearing of the mask is no problemo. We have the evidence that it helps the people. Less spread of the virus. And the vaccines? Yes, let the people receive them. Make them available to everyone, not just plump politicians. I’d be happy to administer to the elites. They can bare their shoulders to the vaccine – smeared tip of my rapier. Ha, ha! Ebenezer Scrooge Oh, dear, oh, dear. The vaccine needs to get out to everyone as soon as possible, especially the poor and working class! They are the ones who are on the front lines, stocking…