Here at Domino’s, we put the customer first. From our ultra-wealthy CEO (seriously, he’s so rich) to the high school kid we just hired in Minnesota, our entire team is relentlessly committed to offering the highest-quality service.
We understand the pandemic has impacted your relationship with our pizza. Safety is a priority and you need to be assured that we’re doing everything in our power to maintain today’s industry standards.
That’s why we’re excited to announce that we’ve taken contactless delivery to the next level. Now, when you order Domino’s, you’ll be guaranteed that nobody else will come in contact with your food.
How? Thanks for asking.
We’ve hired 3,000+ old Victorian ghosts to handle our operations from start to finish. From creating your weird-ass drunk pizza order (anchovies and pineapple, huh?) to dropping it at your front door, we’re proud to be the second 100% ghost-run franchise in U.S. history (Arby’s from 1967-1970).
With ghosts in the driver’s seat, you can rest easy knowing that Jeff from our St. Louis branch isn’t going back to work without washing his hands again.
Now, we understand this approach is unorthodox and you may have some questions. We will do our best to proactively answer a few below:
What?
Yes, this is typically the reaction we get from customers who are overwhelmed with joy by our new program. They are so happy they are nearly speechless.
Where did you find the ghosts?
Excellent question. Domino’s has created the first-ever ghost-to-workforce initiative. Partnering with Deloitte, our goal is to find jobs for 70% of ghosts haunting the planet by 2030.
I’m sorry what?
Haha! Totally.
Is the program safe?
Technically, the ghosts can pass through walls, doors, etc. They also have the ability to haunt your home for the rest of eternity (very rare). However, the program is extremely safe overall. Only two people have been murdered so far.
Is it legal?
[mocking you] “Is it legal?”
How long will it take to get my pizza?
Less than three minutes. Our ghosts can transport from place to place within seconds. Pretty cool!
What happened to the other employees?
Let’s just say you won’t have to worry about them anymore.
Are you still serving Cinnamon Bread Twists?
Unfortunately we are not. They will be back this winter.
Finally, we would like to say thank you from everyone here at Domino’s. Your experience is our priority, and your trust is our motivation. We look forward to your business and are confident that you will enjoy seeing an old, bloody ghost from the 1700s show up at your door while your family is watching Jeopardy!. And yes, we take Mastercard!
Also, like any new program, we’re learning as we go. Full disclosure: Agatha has been missing ever since she delivered a pizza to a small town in Michigan. You can’t miss her: pale, old white dress, always singing this eerie song, glides across the room. Please keep an eye out. She’s extremely dangerous.
Stay safe!
Team Domino’s
P.S. How cool is our pizza tracker?
