Danny Periculo
Once declared “The bad boy of the ’90s,” Danny stole the hearts of young women across the world with his breakout role in the film South of Heaven. Unfortunately, his success was short-lived when the sequel, South of Hell, was a critical and commercial failure.
The movie’s dreadful box office performance eliminated all of Danny’s acting prospects, but luckily for him, the film gained a strong cult following. More specifically, the following of a rural Norwegian commune named “The Final Paradigm.”
Soon after Danny’s American fans stopped chasing him, he decided to chase the only fans he had left by immigrating to Norway in the fall of ’97. The former actor was welcomed with open arms into The Final Paradigm and went on to live happily as a woodworker and high elder.
Danny’s second life was sadly cut short when he suffered a heart attack during a five-day armed standoff between The Final Paradigm and the Norwegian Police Service.
Emily Cantrell
Platinum-selling albums, Grammy awards, and a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame were just a few of Emily’s many achievements before turning ten. In fact, historians still attribute her rendition of John Lennon’s “Imagine” as the leading cause behind ending the Bosnian war. Serbian military commander Ratko Mladić was quoted as saying, “[Referring to Ms. Cantrell] Once I heard the voice of an angel, I knew ethnic cleansing was not the answer; peace is.”
In the spring of 2002, The Oprah Winfrey Show aired an interview with a then fifteen-year-old Emily that went on to become one of the most famous television broadcasts of all time. In this segment, Emily revealed she would be retiring her singing career so she can follow her true passion of becoming a medical biller.
This revelation shocked everyone except Emily’s parents, Robert and Jane Cantrell. In a follow-up interview, the couple described how Emily showed signs of her true calling even as a toddler. She would frequently cry and throw fits until her parents handed her their Explanation of Benefits forms. She would then giggle with delight and hug the papers tightly to her chest. Mr. and Mrs. Cantrell always knew Emily’s yearning to submit insurance claims would eclipse her yearning to perform for fan-filled arenas, but they just didn’t know when.
These days, Emily is joyfully working as a medical billing coordinator at a dermatologist outside Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Her story is inspiring to all who believe that with hard work and perseverance, dreams do come true.
Henry Corydon
Henry’s debut role as the lovable Splat from The Life of Farty Magooby forever established him as a cultural icon of the aughts. Soon after the film release, Henry could be seen all over the Hollywood Hills attending A-list parties and performing “The Splat Dance” for the likes of George Clooney, Ellen DeGeneres, and Madonna. Regrettably, like many child actors, the spotlight for Henry was fleeting.
After a New York Times article exposed the young star’s support of the white nationalist movement, his career in Tinseltown was officially over. He then decided to pivot pursuits by using his natural charisma to become a far-right thought leader and vlogger. Henry currently makes a living through his news website “We the People, Not the Sheeple” and his podcast “Don’t Tread on Whitey.”
Henry has yet to resurrect “The Splat Dance” for the camera, but his old fans are still holding out hope.
James Audentus
James was on a rocket ship to fame after he was cast as the Little Boy in the hit Broadway musical Harambe the Gorilla, Harambe the Friend. He quickly landed a modeling career, a record label, and a three-picture deal with Warner Bros.
As James’ career exploded, so did his love life. He grew to become one of the most prolific ladies’ men in young Hollywood, dating every burgeoning starlet from Taylor Swift to Emma Watson.
Although James was adept in finding romantic partners, he was not as skilled in keeping them. Actress Jennifer Lawrence became the most outspoken of James’ exes when TMZ recorded her calling him the “the most egotistical person” she ever met. Lawrence went on to say “he would rather kiss a mirror than me.” The actress initially received backlash for her harsh words, but she would soon be completely vindicated.
Only two days after Deadline Hollywood reported James was cast in the dual role of both Superman and Batman in an upcoming crossover film, the same publication reported James would become the first person to legally engage in sologamy, otherwise known as a marriage by one person to himself or herself.
Although the concept of sologamy predates Mr. Audentus, it was originally used as a means for single people to affirm their own value and boost self-confidence. James was the first person to become sologamy out of true love for himself.
While this story disturbed many and caused DC Films to shelf its highly anticipated blockbuster, it also served as an inspiration to others. James’ announcement particularly moved the NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) demographic who fervently supported his right to self-marry.
The young star’s once-red hot career did cool off rather quickly, but he was able to find alternative fulfillment in becoming the spokesperson of the NPD acceptance movement, a cause he is still supporting to this day.
When he’s not fighting for NPD rights, James is using his wealth and the remnants of his celebrity profile to spearhead a UCLA research study involving human asexual reproduction. He hopes to continue his pioneering trend by becoming the first person to cultivate and raise their own clone.
