Arkansas Service Armadillo
You are going to need the bestest of friends when your TV show gets canceled and Netflix doesn’t pick it up. This little buddy will show you how to truly curl up into that tight ball of depression until you get enough courage to start that social media campaign to bring back Dawson’s Creek, and as a special bonus, all of our Arkansas Service ‘dillos carry leprosy so pretty soon you’ll forget about those silly programs anyway. When you’re done, you both can sleep all day in the filth of your own making (peanut shells and boxed wine are not included).
Japanese Support Hornet
This little bugger is as big as your thumb and can spew flesh-eating acid, which means it’s perfect for anxiety in the workplace. Whether you hotboxed conference room C or are requesting a raise, the Japanese Support Hornet has your back. Do they sting? Hell yeah, they’re hornets. And when they do sting, they release a pheromone that attracts other support hornets! Let all your new friends negotiate for you. Enjoy that 15% bump in salary!
Shotgun Parrot
Getting pulled over by the police would send any one of us into a panic attack. This contrarian, mouthy little bastard comes with a bonafide arrest record and a certified bails bondsman, so you know he can handle the po-po. Just let him do all the talking. The Shotgun Parrot is also trained to curse at the judge on your behalf. “Fuck you, respectfully, your Honor.”
Drone-carried Goblin Shark
The world is getting crowded. You think you are going to run to Target real quick for your pumpkin spice body soap and instead find yourself in the middle of a Groupon flash mob. The drone-carried Goblin Shark is exactly the friend you need, when you need him. Why is it being carried by a drone? It can’t walk. It’s a goblin shark, don’t be stupid. Nothing clears space like a goblin shark suspended by a drone, though. Have you seen these things? They have mouths inside of mouths. They are nightmare fuel. The drone will fly straight into any crowd and, believe us, that crowd will scatter. There is no chance your personal space will ever be invaded again. The Drone Goblin Shark comes in a variety of colors and is the perfect companion for family functions, weddings, or children’s birthday parties. It’s a floating piñata that fights back. Go ahead, kids, whack it and see what happens.
The Australian Wombat, Your Dating Wingman
Start every morning with a “G’day mate” as this little fella here encourages you to leave your earthen pit of despair and loneliness. The wombat is the perfect Tinder companion, as his square-shaped poops are genetically designed to attract a mate. That’s completely true. It’s like God made a buddy just for you, so don’t waste the opportunity – turn this evolutionary trait into a positive for your love life. Just make sure to invite us to the wedding.
Therapist Tarantula in Tiny Cardigan
He’s called Thaddeus and he is the only one that can handle your shit. Unscrew the lid, hold your face directly over the open jar, and unload your worries to this nimble and highly poisonous arachnid. Take his silence at your earth-shattering revelations as venomous condemnation and judgment. You should also rightly assume it’s at least partly because he’s still waiting for you to Venmo him his session fee.
The Naked Mole Rat
This walking scrotum is actually known as a sand puppy, but this is pretty much where the similarities end. Where his strength really lies is in his inability to feel pain – yours, his, and anyone else at the HOA meetings that decide to pop off. Just like you, the naked mole rat is dead inside. He excels at those confrontations where you just can’t take anymore complaints about trash cans being left out or too much traffic coming to your front door. The meth isn’t going to sell itself, though, is it Cindy? They are also resistant to cancer. Not you though, you’re screwed because, ya know, all the meth.
Bigfoot
The world’s hide-and-seek champion is finally available to handle all of your financial problems. Simply head to the forests of the Northwest and hand over your phone – your creditors won’t be able to touch you! Remember, if you can’t be served, you can’t be sued. We’re pretty sure that’s legal. We don’t know, Bigfoot also is our lawyer. Anyway, Bigfoot will show you the art of camouflage, berry foraging, and grainy photography that you can post to your Instagram. Is that you or a trick of the light? Your creditors will never know! His cousin the Yeti is also available and specializes in student loan debt.