In these times of uncertainty and turmoil, it’s heartening to see Democrats come together and demonstrate such fervor for leadership. This election cycle is gettin’ lit, but the fyre is now out of control. While we appreciate the sheer number of you showing incredible interest in demolishing “Don the Con,” we regret to inform you that we may have oversold just how many people we can fit on this presidential island.
We’re gonna need to ask you to BACK OFF. Please understand – the situation is grave.
You may have seen our video trailer of Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders, and Joe Biden running along the shore in their minuscule swimming jams before boarding Andrew Yang’s yacht. “Who the fuck is Andrew Yang?” you ask? He’s a seriously rich guy who’s giving out loads of cash to people because he believes in a universal basic income, that’s who! He may also be the guy who scammed a bunch of millionaire millennials with some credit card club. Probably not, though. Definitely not. Who cares?! He’s got a yacht!
Anyway, we are unsure why you thought a video of some cool kids killin’ it in their Speedos was in any way related to the dream of being President of the United States of America. Yeah, Sanders had a sick tan after drinking champagne for hours out on that sundeck, but do you really think you are Bernie Sanders?! We apologize if we gave you the impression that just anyone could partake in this elite club. YOU CAN’T.
Admittedly, we have enabled your candidacy bids and been more than happy to take a cut of that sweet, sweet dark money we masturbate to each night. Pay that no mind, we’re the fucking DNC! What we don’t want, however, is for there to be dual documentaries popping up in five years about how we not only lost the race, but how Elizabeth Warren started throwing chairs after learning we only had bread and salmonella-laced lettuce for her gourmet meal and her “presidential suite” was a moldy mattress out on Pennsylvania Avenue. Or, worse, that Kirsten Gillibrand died from E. coli poisoning due to overcrowding, lack of sewage, and the literal shit put in her water by Russian infiltrators.
There are too many of you. We’re talking to you, Shultz. You might be coming on your own independent plane, but we all know your damned plane is going to guzzle all the gas left on this island. So take your shitty coffee and GO HOME.
We’ve realized that if any more of you try to travel to Oval Office dreamsville, we’re going to be having debates in some FEMA castles in the middle of the Mojave desert. We don’t have room for you. So please, for the love of all that’s democratic, go back to your Senate cabinets and corporate boardrooms, harass some women or bang your head against a glass ceiling or whatever the hell you regularly do in there, and forget you ever even heard of this party.
Unless you’re Beto O’Rourke, in which case bring that handsome face and beautiful oil money right into Papa’s lap, you Cruz killin’ hottie. Daddy’s hungry.