Okay, Mike. We can hold it together. The president will say the right thing. Is saying the right thing. Sit here, calm and composed. Make sure to look at Schumer and the woman, who isn’t Mother, when they talk. Nod. Nod. Nod.
Introductions are going well. Perhaps a little prayer:
Praise be to you, O Lord Jesus! May your eternal light shine down upon this most momentous of repeat meetings. And, praise be to your divine wisdom for putting other men in this room with me and this woman. Oh Mother! She is a she-dev…
Uh oh. Here we go. The farm bill. Good. Goood. Gooood. Farmers are the salt of the earth. Real Americans who grow our food – a miracle of agriculture. All the corn. The wheat. The unused soybean – so sinful. But all good, wholesome food. Hmm, I wonder what Mother is making tonight for supper.
Oh, goodness me! Good gracious St. Ignatius! They’re talking about the border wall! Here comes a test – a test from on high – a test of my stoic posture. Back straight. Back straight. Maintain pleasant but ambiguous smile.
Okay. The president is riffing now. Standard riffing. Goes well at rallies. Lots of wall. Stick to the wall. The wall is good and holy and all that is right in the world. By the grace of God, Mr. President, speak to our constituents. By the Holy Spirit… Oh holy shoot! Holy shoot! He’s asked her to speak.
God, please stick spirit cotton balls in my ears the way Mother used to when I had an ear infection. Sweet baby Jesus, in your name, don’t let her unclean words corrupt my perfect posture. Mother be proud of my posture!
Lordy, lordy. They’re arguing. They. Are. Arguing! Look at her with a disapproving look but say nothing. Turn to Schumer with the respect of a male peer you have nothing in common with and again say nothing.
Say nothing and continue looking very serious.
I have to fidget. Very uncomfortable now. Mother told me not to fidget but I just can’t sit still. Shift quickly to readjust. And… there. Now, casually open left hand on knee. Hold right hand in a relaxed fist. A relaxed fist, Mike.
Did the president just look at me? It happened so fast. He was smiling – an inside joke – The Washington Post. Boo on them!
No, that’s not right. Mother doesn’t approve of insults and name-calling. Just smile with him but continue to say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Not those gosh darn note cards again! Please Virgin Mother Mary hear my prayer and just blow them off the table. Blow cards, blow – carried away on a heavenly wind. Maybe a forgetful wind. I’ll just pray the memory – of those cards – away. Pray it away. Pray it away.
And… you’re calm. Centered. Stoic. Like a statue. Not a Confederate statue because that’s not a statue Schumer and the woman respect.
Aaaand, slight fidget again. All better.
No. No, this is worse. He’s answering questions from reporters. Lord protect this broad-shouldered president from fake news.
More importantly, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here…
Okay, that’s not working. The president has another meeting in six minutes. Endure Michael as the Lord endured on his day at Golgotha.
Did someone mention Indiana? Oh boy, close eyes as if in meditation. You are not here. You are sitting at the dining room table while Mother serves a lovely meal, harvested straight from the heartland. There’s a tall glass of iced tea on the table and I’m reaching for it. I can almost see it if I just… keep eyes closed gently. Don’t squeeze them shut. Show America how you are pondering this righteous issue. I am remaining in control. Definitely in control and thinking deeply about these issues. Now breathe, Mike. Breathe. Good boy. Good little boy, as Mother would say.
Keep eyes closed, count backward from three, then it will all be…
Nope. They’re still arguing and the cameras are snapping shots. Keep eyes closed. Keep them closed and reach for that tall, cold glass of Mother’s iced tea.
