When you think about it, kids are mostly stupid. And these eight kids that go to the elementary school that my beautiful fiancé Rory teaches at? Buddy, I am so much smarter than them.
Gary, 5
One time I saw Gary trying to feed his leftover chocolate pudding to an Optimus Prime action figure. What’s wrong with this kid? I would never do that.
Owen, 4
Everyone raves about Owen’s drawing skills, and I just don’t get it. What’s so talented about this:
What the fuck is that? I am smarter than whoever drew that.
Candace, 9
As a part of the Teachers’ Special Helpers program, Candace helps kindergarteners with their math and reading comprehension. Sounds smart, right? That’s what I thought, but when I asked her to explain to me why capitalism is an inherently unfair economic system, she looked at me with confusion and then said she had to go. Only an idiot would dodge a question like that. Me = smarter than Candace.
Rebecca, 7
You’re looking at the first grade spelling bee champ, folks. Oh, wow, awesome, Rebecca, you know how to spell “because.” Why’d you ask me to leave you and your friends alone when I asked you to tell me the capital of Australia? Spell it with me, champ: C-A-N-B-E-R-R-A.
Brian, 7 months
Okay, technically, Brian isn’t a student at the school. He’s the son of Rory’s work friend, Michelle. I’ve only met Brian once, but he can barely speak. He just sits there and makes silly faces. Needless to say, I am much smarter than Brian.
Jason, 7
IF I HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT JASON ONE MORE… look, he’s a nice kid. He means well. But people go on and on about how he’s a great athlete, and a great student, and a real gentleman, and how he can be whatever he wants to be when he grows up.
Enough. Jason doesn’t know how to tie his shoes, okay? I’ve been tying my shoes for twenty-eight years now. What the fuck are we anointing Jason for? Hard pass. I am better.
Eileen, 6
At least once a week, Eileen’s dad comes over late at night to pick up “special homework” for Eileen. I know Eileen is really dumb, because sometimes my beautiful fiancé Rory will spend, like, hours in our basement with Eileen’s dad, explaining what I assume are basic concepts like addition, which he will then pass to Eileen. In a way, I feel bad for Eileen. In this case, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
My fiancé is lucky she’s marrying a genius.
Adam, 6
Adam is in first grade and still doesn’t know the alphabet. I have known the alphabet for years.
