8 Facts I Know to Be True About Mike Pence

Mike Pence Speaking

*That I assumed just by looking at him.

Indiana Governor Mike Pence has recently hit the campaign trail with Donald Trump as the Republican Party’s 2016 vice presidential nominee. I don’t know much about the former lawyer, other than his terrible record when it comes to LGBT rights, reproductive health and education, but just by his looking like a stereotypical villain from an 80’s movie, there are some things we can probably infer.

1. Fearing a Loss, He Chickened Out of Running for Governor

Due to his unpopular agenda on women’s rights issues, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act and his educational polices, Mike Pence was in a tight race for governor against Democratic challenger John Gregg. Facing a vigorous campaign against him, he felt it was better to join Trump’s campaign than to possibly lose his own.

2. He Still Uses the Term “Slacker”

Mike Pence probably calls anything he feels isn’t performing as he would like “a slacker.” An intern late with the coffee, one of the seven Republicans that voted against his Congressional amendment to defund Planned Parenthood, the vending machine taking too long to drop the Twizzlers: Mike Pence would squint out a dismissive judgement of “slacker” upon the offender.

3. Looks Like the Kind of Guy Who Would Have a Son Named Chet, Who Would Get Everything You Wanted

You were looking forward to your summer working at Pizza Promises on Lake Michigan. Some money in your pocket and Susan Damasco in a bikini. Then Mike Pence got his son Chet a job there and the owner, Logan, made him supervisor to curry favor. So when Susan came to get her slice of Hawaiian, Chet was working the counter. They went to the pier and left you to explain to a gay couple why selling them a Cheese Supreme was against Logan’s religion and they had to go elsewhere thanks to Mike Pence’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act.

4. He Keeps a Framed Picture of Himself Playing High School Basketball at Home, in a Room That Has a Decanter Full of Scotch

His wood-paneled home office most likely has a lit basketball in a display case with a gold plaque that states it’s a “Game Ball” underneath a gold-framed picture of himself in short white shorts and a tight jersey. The other day Dwayne (his black friend from the office) said his daughter, Jasmine, was a Miss Basketball candidate being looked at by IU. Mike Pence stands in front of his ball and pours his single malt scotch into a crystal glass. He reflects on his comments that women should not be in the military, and his 1997 op-ed in the Indianapolis Star saying “working moms stunt the growth of their children” and wonders if he can get rid of women’s basketball.

Gov. Mike Pence

5. Would Refer to Dwayne as “His Black Friend From the Office”

He would constantly refer to Dwayne as “Dwayne, my black friend from the office” when telling his wife about Dwayne’s daughter. Mike Pence is concerned that she might be homosexual, due to playing sports, and suggested she go to conversion therapy, where he attempted to divert all the Ryan White HIV/AIDS Program funds to in 2000. When Mike’s wife asks “The Attorney General?” He replies, “Yes, Dwayne. Black Dwayne.” There is no White Dwayne at the office.

6. He Would Inform Chet That “Susan is the Girl You Fool Around With, Not the Girl You Marry. So Get This Problem Taken Care Of”

The last weekend of that summer at Pizza Promises, Chet would get lit on Bud Ice buckets and tell his dad Mike Pence that he had fucked up. “That hot half-Mexican Hawaiian pizza girl” was pregnant. They couldn’t have this scandal while dad was running for re-election as a family values candidate. One of his dad’s old clients is a doctor with a private practice and “what’s her name” will be fine. Susan would then be shamed into having a funeral service for the fetus thanks to Mike Pence passing HB 1337.

7. He Looks at Gay Pornography Every Saturday Morning at 9:45 to Steel Himself Against the Homosexual Agenda

When Mike Pence’s wife has her tennis lesson at the club, he locks the door to his home office and fires up his Dell laptop. He’d ignore the emails about the HIV epidemic that’s hitting rural Scott County due to his defunding of Planned Parenthood, open an incognito browser, and scroll down to the Gay category on PornHub. Mike Pence knows that by watching this he will have strengthened his resolve to pass more restrictive laws against the sinful decadence he is observing. When his wife returns, he will be a better husband and full of heterosexual desire to take her for their normal, Christ-sanctioned marital duties.

8. Thinks His Unsolicited Life Advice is Worth More to You Than a Monetary Tip When You Wait on Him

After finishing his meal at the Monument Circle Buca di Beppo, Mike Pence would recognize you and decide to inspire you with the story of when the Indiana voters chose Glenda Ritz for School Superintendent over his friend Tony. He’d tell you he made a law so that the Chair of the State Education Board was picked by the Board (which he had personally appointed) instead of the elected superintendent. “There. Wasn’t that better than 10%?” Mike Pence would say as he left a school voucher application for your daughter to attend a religious preschool and learn values, like Chet.



Erik Sternberger

Author: Erik Sternberger

Erik Sternberger is a writer and improviser based out of Columbus, Ohio. He studied at The Second City Chicago and also writes sketches and short plays. He recently had his science fiction satire collection "But It's Not About That" enjoy a well-reviewed three-week run. Follow Erik on Twitter @ZapThunder.

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