On Monday, Senator Ted Cruz formally announced his candidacy for President in the 2016 elections. While he is the first candidate to officially announce he is running, Robot Butt would like to state its full and complete endorsement of Mr. Cruz.
Ted Cruz has numerous views and qualities that we support. For instance, we applaud his stances on overhauling our education system. By replacing complicated and confusing books like Heart of Darkness with Green Eggs and Ham, school will be much easier for students. This issue hits the Robot Butt staff especially close to home as we have always felt it was bullshit to get assigned Heart of Darkness to read over the weekend because “it’s only 80 pages.” Shut up, Mrs. Atkins. Ted Cruz has our backs now.
Cruz has many other good things going for him. He wants to repeal Obamacare, and as avid eaters of Funyuns and decades-old Dunkaroos we stored in the cupboard, we hate health, too. He also thinks Jurassic World is going to be really cool, and we’d never dream of associating with someone who thought otherwise. And who among us can’t appreciate the bold move to force students to attend the candidacy announcement? That’s the exact type of overtly slimy and political maneuver we expect from our politicians. To barely even try to hide it is admirable!
Even the things his opponents may criticize him on turn out to be positives. Cruz was born in Canada, which will surely be pointed out by many critics. But Canada lets you gamble at casinos at the age of 18. Canada is awesome! All the Canadian awesomeness surely has rubbed off on Mr. Cruz.
Most importantly, Cruz represents a challenge to the status quo. He’s an outsider who has challenged the establishment by engineering government shutdowns. Robot Butt shares this anti-authority sentiment, as there are at least nine different warrants out for various staff members.
And because he is the only candidate who has officially thrown his hat into the ring, Cruz currently has a 100% chance of winning the presidency. We like those odds.