From Quiet Time to the Assembly Line.
Research shows students benefit from a sense of purpose, and there is no greater purpose than contributing to the American workforce. But how can parents help their children fuse their understanding of self and career in today’s system, where children are forced to sit idly by for years before even thinking about labor? That’s where Training for Occupational Identity and Labor, or T.O.I.L., comes in.
How It Works
Enrollment: Provided they can hold a wrench, children as young as two are eligible to apply to the T.O.I.L. program and begin the journey to gainful employment.
Assessment: The assessment phase is where we uncover your child’s path to T.O.I.L. Candidates are evaluated for mastery of foundational skills such as coloring within the lines, shape recognition, and their ability to install a temporary steam bypass while local pipefitters remain on strike. All students also are invited to share preferences such as shift, willingness to relocate, and which parent packs a better sandwich.
Career Commitment Day: Students fill a foreclosed union hall for snacks and playtime while T.O.I.L. experts review assessment results, briefly considering preferences before assigning students to areas where labor shortages have impacted quarterly earnings. After nap time, students learn if they will become boilermakers, pipefitters, ironworkers, diesel mechanics, and more!
Internship: Around here we call our little scholars Students Learning About Vocational Excellence or S.L.A.V.E.s. After being assigned to an industry partner and undergoing an arduous, comprehensive years long training program, your child will matriculate into their unpaid internship by age 14.* Accelerated programming is available for abnormally large or strong children upon approval. S.L.A.V.E.s contribute to the revenue of our industry partners, in exchange for T.O.I.L.
Capstone: After completing training and satisfying their obligation to the industry partner, students must submit applications into the digital abyss until being ignored by a minimum of 90 unique entities.
Graduation: Once the capstone is complete, our graduates move on to the entry level, where they are hired, haphazardly trained, and placed on the lowest rung of a company ladder, exactly where the program intended.
Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q)
Q: What about food and shelter?
A: Students are housed on site in one of our Controlled Environments for Learning and Lodging (C.E.L.L.s). Participants receive a nightly meal of FDA approved dinosaur shaped nutrition pellets before being securely housed in their locked C.E.L.L.
Q: Can I send my child money?
A: Yes! It’s now more convenient than ever to convert USD into TOILbucks, our official currency that can be used at the commissary during approved hours.
Q: Is the program safe?
A: Yes. Excluding the explosive and demolition pathway, 84% of graduates leave with all appendages.
Enroll Today!