Due to an unexpected surge in demand and continual overheating, appointments to Neuralyze your memories and forget the horrors of the world have been put on pause except for those appointments already scheduled until January 2029.
Afterward, we will decide if we deem it pertinent to continue this community care amnesia program. The Neuralyzer was not designed to erase and assuage the collective trauma of an entire country. It was designed to make you scoff at the weird things your uncle says at dinner.
“Yes, an alien from Alpha Centauri moved down the street. Their name is Gretchen, and they make really tasty moon dust muffins.”
“No, the water doesn’t taste funny ever since that big black compound with a weird humming sound popped up down the street.”
“Yes, the electricity bill has always been that high.”
We know it’s been a rough decade, but unfortunately, you will have to endure the next couple of years and what new, generous, innovative ideas originated from breakout sessions at Sam Altman’s birthday party.
Please do not attempt to replicate this delicate procedure. Repetitively staring into a strobe light will not activate the hippocampus synapses as intended. You might instead develop an enthusiasm for La Bouche and glow sticks.
Many of you have also been trying to use appointments scalped on Facebook Marketplace. While we respect the hustle, they unfortunately will not be honored. Those come with pre-programmed post-flash directives, and many clientele have complained of only forgetting the entirety of FRIENDS.
I know this is difficult news for many of you to hear, but the truth is, Neuralyzing offers only a minor but sweet respite.
I’m on my third neutralization, and the doctors said anymore, and I might end up stuck in a lucid loop of reliving singular memories. Now, if you’re telling me I get to relive Kyle’s bat mitzvah, that sounds sick as hell. He had a dinosaur bounce house, but if it’s Prom Night, take me to the farm like they did Biscuits.
But if you insist on forgetting, might I suggest visiting Ricardo El Magnifico Sorcerer down the street. He offers “ignorance is bliss” spells, but he does possess a monkey’s paw je ne sais quoi allure about him.
So cast at your own peril. You might forget everything since 2016, but you’ll also drain your 401k and Eat Pray Love your way through Epcot.
Now excuse us while we go find individuals who discovered how to manufacture cars that run on water and make them go to Burning Man instead