In a massive win for science, we gave 10-year-old Timmy Buckets a non-alcoholic beer and the keys to a 2007 Honda Civic. We wanted to see if the drink would affect his driving ability.
Once behind the wheel, Timmy struggled to even make it out of the parking lot, banging into multiple other cars and begging us to not make him drive onto the highway.
After the highway drive, we gathered information from Timmy and onlookers to gauge the results.
When asked about the beer, Timmy said “it was yucky!”
When asked about the car, he said “I’ve never driven a car before.” Kids say the darnedest things, even when sober.
We then talked to Seth Norris, an eye-witness on the scene that saw the car swerve by.
“I THOUGHT IT WAS A GHOST! I couldn’t see anyone driving! They’re shorter than the steering wheel. I saw a car being driven by a ghost and had no way to know that wasn’t real until you told me. My whole worldview just snapped back and forth like a damn rubber band. I took a picture on my cell phone. Look at this! Tell me that doesn’t look like a ghost driving a car. I think I’m going to post it on the internet and tell people it’s a ghost driving a car. I think they’ll think it’s real! Don’t you think they’ll think it’s real? Don’t run this.”
Andrew Shipman, leader of the local libertarian party, was gridlocked in bumper to bumper traffic when the car flew by going down the shoulder, had this to say:
“The problem isn’t the kid’s age, it’s his driving! If a kid can be deployed to war at 10-years-old than he damn well should be able to have a license. They drive cars over there now, you know! And he should be able to smoke too! Somebody give that kid a cigarette. He’s had a long day. I’m going to go give him a cigarette.”
When we tried to stop him, Shipman said.
“No, it’s okay, I’ve got plenty.”
With our experiment complete, we thanked Timmy for his time and awarded him a brand new 2024 Ford Fiesta. Then we tossed him the keys and told him to get home safely.