Contamination in a facility that manufactures baseball bats has led to some unusual medical side affects among Major League bat boys, according to the Journal of Unusual Medical Side Effects.
The manufacturer, Big Woodie Unlimited, supplies bats to all Major League teams. Big Woodie reported that an infestation of defecating bats in their facility led to the accidental shipment of contaminated bats to MLB teams.
After handling the contaminated bats, bat boys had the following symptoms: 40 percent have rashes on their hands, 30 percent suffer from eye irritation, and 30 percent are evolving into vampires. Stories of vampire-evolving bat boys are coming in from around the league:
During a game at Yankee Stadium, bat boy Charlie Johnson ran onto the field where he assaulted third baseman Oswald Cabrera. “When that kid came running towards me, I thought he was one of those Magic Moments sick kids from the hospital running out to hug me,” Cabrera said. “Little punk kneed me in the groin and tried to bite my freaking neck.”
At Truist Park in Atlanta, Braves catcher Chadwick Tromp described an unusual scene. “I was crouching behind home plate, waiting for a pitch from Jimenez, when something catches my eye from near the dugout. I see this bat boy standing there, and he’s all glassy-eyed and moaning and waving his hands towards Jimenez,” Tromp recalled. “Damnedest thing – Jimenez throws the ball, and before it crosses home plate, the ball turns into a bat and the bat flies away. I mean, why couldn’t the kid have done that to the opposing team’s pitcher? Damn, boy.”
Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Shohei Ohtani, through an interpreter, described what happened at a recent game. “I was warming up before the game when a small coffin comes floating onto the field and lands at my feet. I hear scary organ music like you hear on Halloween, when suddenly the coffin opens and a bat boy sits up from inside it. He’s wearing a black cape, he has fangs, and some kind of red substance is dripping from the corners of his mouth. Frightened, I hand him a fistful of cash that I did not obtain through gambling, and he lays down in the coffin and the coffin floats away.” After reporting the incident, Ohtani’s interpreter was immediately fired.
Baseball Commissioner Robert Manfred met with the parents of the infected bat boys to allay their fears. Manfred said that he was going to personally fly to Transylvania to obtain the vampire antidote, and he promised that he would not drive stakes into the hearts of any their children.
