Have you been feeling the pinch lately at the grocery store? Does shopping for food make you wince every time you check out? You may have even considered resorting to communist safety net programs like food stamps. If any of the above applies to you, worry not; I have the perfect recipe that will make you feel free again and unburdened by inflated food prices. A recipe handed down from the time of the late great George Washington himself. A recipe passed from generation to generation for over 250 years: the Freedom Sandwich.
I recently found myself considering the unthinkable: applying for commie food stamps to feed myself and my family. But the thought of asking for a government handout made my stomach turn so much I just wouldn’t have been able to eat. To paraphrase JD Vance’s book Hillbilly Elegy: We need less feeling sorry for ourselves and our stomachs and more pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps. Ladies and gentlemen, the Freedom Sandwich does all of this and more.
Rumor has it that the Freedom Sandwich dates all the way back to 1777 in Valley Forge where Washington’s troops garrisoned for the winter with few supplies. It’s been passed down in my family for generations and is our go-to meal when the budget is tight. The ingredients for the Freedom Sandwich are simple and easily found. You need one pair of “Made in America” leather work boots and a large Rambo knife. Note: If you do not have a Rambo knife, any large knife will do for this recipe, but keep in mind, the larger the knife, the more Freedom you’ll have in your sandwich. It is of utmost importance that the leather comes from America and not another country like China. I discovered this merely last week, and let me tell you—Chinese freedom tastes awful: something like a cross between stale fortune cookies and General Tso’s chicken that’s spent too many days sitting in the fridge.
There is a simple three-step process to crafting the Freedom Sandwich. Step 1: Use the Rambo knife to carefully filet the leather uppers off of the rubber boot soles, and then boil the leather. Be careful to remove as much leather as possible. Leave none behind on the dirty sole. We want pure American leather. Traditional leather is ideal, but suede or nubuck will suffice. The leather can come from any beast so long as it lived and breathed in the good ole U.S. of A.
Step 2: Take the Rambo knife or large knife substitute, and use it to carve the word FREEDOM in all caps and in English on the leather upper of either the left or right boot. Note: FREEDOM must be written in the English language. Spanish freedom tastes like burnt tamales.
Step 3: Slap those two pieces of leather together while saying the Pledge of Allegiance, and enjoy the sweet, sweet, fresh taste of Freedom! It brings tears to my eyes and reminds me of fresh mountain air from the top of Mount Rushmore. This recipe feeds one to two people per pair of boots. Warning: I may have painted myself into a corner here. I ate a Chinese Freedom Sandwich Tuesday last week and an American Freedom Sandwich earlier this morning. I don’t have any more bootstraps to pull myself up by—they are all in my stomach—but at least I was able to taste Freedom one last time.