I am a political polling analyst. I survey the mind and feelings of the American voter. With stealth and cunning I capture the secrets and trumpet the future. An amalgamation of omniscience and omnipotence that renders God himself jealous.
My charts, graphs, tables, and trends toy with your cognitive functions. I shall use that dominion over your tenuous mental equilibrium for my own amusement. You can’t help but gorge on the topline numbers. A tremulous review of my numerical snapshot confirming your deepest fears.
He could win again. He will again. Or maybe he won’t. Either way you’ll click on the poll for confirmation bias. How cute. Or to shatter your illusions of a healthy democracy. What is wrong with this country does nobody remember? your inner voice wails. Maybe nothing is wrong. Maybe everything is. Read my data to find out.
I’ll put out a poll showing Donald Trump winning 30% of Black voters? Seems plausible the birther guy twice sued by Nixon’s justice department (Nixon!) for housing discrimination wins almost a third of Black Americans’ vote.
We all know the margins in the swing states and what that would mean. Makes you sick doesn’t it? It’s my poll, I can have it say whatever I want it to. What are you going to do about it?
Remember, I made my name correctly predicting the most obvious American election result in history 15 years ago. Don’t worry about my track record since then. I’ve cultivated my brand as an expert on everything. White men on the internet with loud opinions can never be wrong.
So with my gift I’ll divert some energy into lab leak and vaccine conspiracy theories just for fun. I can do that because I was that right one time a decade-and-a-half ago along with everyone else. My website had fun fonts and colors to tell you the thing you already knew was going to happen.
Then I’ll get back to an analytical assessment of a poll showing Biden and Trump splitting the female vote. Will that happen? Well my math says it’s a certainty. You’re smart enough to know how Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania would look like in November if it does.
Your butler Alfred is right. Some men just want to watch the world burn. I am the matches. I am the kindling. I am the gasoline. I am the flames, the smoke, and firestorm. The devil went down to Georgia but he was there to survey suburban voters. You’re not going to like Satan’s crosstabs.
I will predict everything and nothing at the same time so I’m never wrong. The house always wins. Your problem is that I’m the house of usher. Fluttering into your life like a sinister raven, roosting in your psyche, and departing, nevermore.
Want to see my latest summary of Latino voters in the sun belt? Of course you do. You love it. Or hate it.
I am the puppet master of your anxiety and I want you to dance.