With the popularity of food challenges at an alltime high, I grabbed two buddies and decided that we needed to push ourselves to the limit and undoubtedly go viral in the process.
I tried to find a challenge that wouldn’t break the bank, but also definitely hasn’t been done before. That’s when I found a potential challenge that couldn’t be more epic even if we added bacon. Eating an entire Burger King eight count of chicken nuggets in one sitting with just the three of us.
For those that don’t know, BK (shorthand for Burger King) has eight nuggets for $2.49. I assume this is so parents have a value option that can feed their whole family. I knew it’d be near impossible with the skeleton crew I’d gathered, but this trio never walks away from a challenge (unless it’s too hard or has math).
Walt
I was tasked with gathering the nuggets and meeting Tucker and Andrew back at Andrew’s apartment. While I was in BK (see earlier parenthetical), I noticed that the medium nugget combo was only $6.49, which is barely an up-charge and gets you fries and a drink, so I had to go with that.
I also noticed this big poster for their new “cheesy tots.” Now, you’re probably thinking these are tots covered in cheese, cause I was, but no. These are tots with cheese inside! I didn’t know when I’d be back in BK so I grabbed a large order just to try them. Then I added an order of Ghost Pepper chicken fries and I was on my, ready to make history.
I stopped for just a second in the parking lot so I could try a tot. I wanted to have one hot so my opinion would be fair. Pretty bad! I didn’t like it very much, and after eating the rest my opinion hadn’t really changed. I popped open one of the ranch sauces I had ordered to see if it helped and it did marginally.
On the train ride back to Andy’s, I was in full-on fry goblin mode. Stealing a couple from the bag. I popped open a honey mustard and at that point figured I might as well dunk some chicken fries. Two stops and my entire Dr. P (Dr. Pepper) down in one gulp later and I was at Andrew’s.
Once inside, I laid out our chicken Everest. All eight nuggets staring up at us. Looking at them, I realized I wasn’t even that hungry, even though I had skipped breakfast for this exact moment. Then I noticed we didn’t have any sauce to dip them in. I can tell when a challenge is tough, and when a challenge is suicide. I knew I wasn’t going anywhere near these nuggets without risking a small tummy ache, so I tapped out and told the guys they’d have to do this one without me.
Tucker
Tucker the Tank here. You’ve probably read Walt’s passage and are worried that this challenge might be over, but I knew I was always going to be the anchor for this.
I am a tour de force when it comes to food. I employ an eating competition strategy known as turtling. This is essentially where I don’t burn myself out like the other competitors do with chowing down as fast as possible and throwing up. I keep a very steady pace and don’t stop until my plate is empty.
In preparation for our challenge. I decided it would be best to make sure I am as empty as possible. So, I fasted for four days before we would chow down. Day one and two went about as expected. I craved food like the dickens, but steeled my resolve so that I could ensure our victory for the challenge. The third day I stopped craving and felt like I had reached some kind of nirvana? I stopped searching for any failure of my flesh. I had understood that to truly become enlightened we have to let go of our flaws in being and just simply be. On the fourth day, when the challenge was to take place, I was hospitalized for malnutrition.
I haven’t spoken to Andrew or Walt about this as I write from my hospital bed, but I’m sure everything went fine. Also, now that I have an IV in me, I could really go for a Big Mac. Not sure what happened on the third day. I think someone drugged me.
Andrew
What the fucking fuck? Walter calls me 3 days ago and says “Yo, Thursday, Me, You, Tucker, the 8 piece chicken nugget from BK, your place, I know we can do it.” Before I could say “My anniversary is Thursday” he hangs up the phone.
So here we are. I cleared my entire schedule. Set up an elaborate scavenger hunt scaling the entire city to keep my wife distracted. All to try and tackle 8 nuggets between three grown ass men?
And the craziest part is I had the 8 piece nugget from BK yesterday. By myself!
Walt is sitting in my bathroom right now, in his words, “in case he gets the urge to throw up.” Tucker is sending our group chat selfies of him in a hospital gown and won’t stop calling himself “skinty kween.” The nugs are sitting on my table as we speak and they’re not getting warmer. I’m going to get this over with and write about my “experience” in real time so Walt can get out of my apartment.
Okay. Uh. First nugget! I toss it up in the air to try and catch it in my mouth like they do in the movies. But I miss. The nugget falls to the floor next to my feet. Ugh. I’ll just eat that one last.
I grab a new one and get ready to take a bite when I hear the sound of Walt’s phone blasting Tik Tok clips in my bathroom. I turn my head towards the bathroom, roll my eyes, and go to take a bite. Straight up bite the fuck out of my finger. Just my freaking luck. Didn’t have my eyes on the prize I suppose.
Enough! I grab two nuggets with my good hand and stack them on top of eachother. I take a packet of ketchup and squeeze that sumbitch in between the two nuggets, creating a sort of nugget oreo. I go to chomp down and my phone rings.
It’s wifey.
I answer.
She just found the second to last clue at the Bodega we met at. I’m about to eat a double decker nuggie. I don’t tell her that. She says we need to talk. My stomach growls. I say wassup mama? She says you know clue 7 of the scavenger hunt? I say the one at the Babies R Us? She says yeah. She says when she was there, digging through the cradles, she ran into her ex boyfriend. I say Michael? She says shut up and let her speak I always do this. She says Michael was there looking at the baby clothes. I say but Michael doesn’t have kids? She says he was just browsing. She says Michael said his biggest dream is to be a father and raise a family. She says whenever she brings up having a family to me I say my improv group is my family. She says it’s over. She says she’s meeting Michael at the Outback Steakhouse right now. She doesn’t know the Outback Steakhouse was the final stop on the scavenger hunt.
I try to tell her to wait for me. But at this moment, the ketchup in between the two nuggets is squeezing out into my hands, making them slippery. The nuggets fly out of my hand. I, instinctively, drop my phone out of my right hand and try to catch the nuggies before they land on the ground. When I bend over to catch them, my head hits the table. Hard. I land on the ground. I can hear my wife on the phone. She’s with Michael. They’re kissing. Loudly. Why isn’t she hanging up? I try to call for Walt. But he can’t hear me over the Mukbang he’s watching. My eyesight is fading. I don’t feel so good. I turn and see the very first nugget I tried to throw in my mouth. I think it’s laughing at me. Or that might be the concussion.
You win this round. King.
Final Results, Nuggets Eaten: 0/8
