Look, I know that we’ve had some bad times together. Sure, I’ve done things that I’m not proud of. But that $14 2-pack of Venus razors is not the answer to your pain. Forget about those deeply engraved scars on your leg. That was many moons ago, and you know that what we have together is thrilling. You never know what’ll happen.
You’re next in line at the 123 Discount Store and I can tell that you just can’t stop yourself from eying me. Stop looking at the 25% off carpet cleaner! I’m right here, sweetie—nestled between the fuzzy keychains and USB-C charger. You know that I get you. I’m not like the hoity-toity razors at CVS that you have to get unlocked from behind a plastic shield by a disgruntled sales associate. You don’t have to wait around for 5 minutes just to hold me in your sweet hands. With just one reach behind the customer in a stained Dungeons and Dragons t-shirt, we’ll be together again.
You should consider that it may not be my fault that you have those scars with a three-year tenure. Maybe it’s because the shampoo you use as shaving cream isn’t thick enough (try using a conditioning mask next time like a sane person). Or maybe it’s because you use me after one week when you should know by then I’m rusted and it’s time to swap me out for one of my pink brethren. I know that you’re attached to me and want to use me for months on end, but it’s just the name of the game.
Yes, that’s right. Look down at your Venus razors and know that they are all for show. I only ONCE nicked you in an undesirable area, and that was because you were holding me at a weird angle. With the $15 you’d be saving by buying me instead, you could treat yourself to the movies or buy yourself three avocados at the store.
Sure, I’m not perfect, but neither are you. Frankly, your hair is pretty thick and wiry (and why is it so much darker on your legs than it is on your head, anyway?). And don’t act like you’ve never hurt ME before! You frequently let me drown in old soapy water on the shower shelf, and you once even left me dangling for dear life from the rack. Plus, leaving me next to the nearly molded loofa is cruel.
Okay, you’re up! This is your last chance. You either take me now or never again. I can’t let myself be hurt by this push-and-pull dynamic anymore. It’ll be easy: you just slide the Venus razors to the cashier, real slick-like. So what if they’re mad about it? It’ll be over in a second, and then you can throw me under your bathroom sink until you go to a social outing where you feel compelled to shave your legs for some reason. Come on, don’t be scared.
Yes! I love the sweet sound of the price scanner. Please, please ignore the fact that they charge 3% fee for credit cards. This is right.
How about we just agree to forgive and forget?