Sent 9/4/2023
To: Silicon Valley Techsters, Venturers, and Gazillionaires
From: Your Friends at Burner Relief
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Everywhere you turn, do-gooders with righteous causes hit you up for money.
Recently, you’ve been inundated by pleas to donate to Maui Relief (where many of us drink our Mai Tai’s), Hurricane Idalia Relief (where many of us support Disney over DeSantis), and Tropical Storm Hilary Relief (where many of us have our affiliated movie producing Mecca and see as our own SoCal playground).
Despite the worthiness of those causes, this ask for Burner Relief should shoot to the top of your list.
Why?
The Burning Man disaster struck our own kind.
As Elon X (not to be confused with Malcolm) X’d Sunday, “Burning Man is unique in the world. It’s hard to describe how incredible it is for those who have never been. Best art on Earth.”
Have you seen images of some of those mud sculptures?
Would you like one in your own home as a thank-you gift? And incidentally, you venture capitalists should be gearing up to fund this new, sure-to-hit-big, art genre.
Our friends and compatriots practicing “radical self-sufficiency” at Black Rock City in the Nevada desert (and, doesn’t Black Rock sound like a ‘‘50’s’50s Western to the potential movie producer venturers among you?) wouldn’t look to anybody for help except us, their own kind.
What Your Burner Relief Donation Will Fund
1) Immediate WiFi needs — more important than food, shelter, and medical supplies.
2) Bed and Baths afterward for the 73,000 previously chained in refugees who didn’t escape early, like former US Acting Solicitor General Neal Katyal, Diplo, and Chris Rock (and movie-producing venturers, think of the movie deal – who needs unionized screenwriters? – about those three escaping together, even if that’s not how it went down).
3) “Three-eyed” insect (aka “Fairy Shrimp”) recipes texted to those stranded or taking once-living souvenirs out that washed up from previously dry creek beds.
4) Chains for the tires of previously decorated RVs and Campers.
5) Snowshoes refashioned into mud shoes.
6) Acres of plywood for the Playa.
7) Test strips to reassure it’s not acid mud underfoot.
8) Future publicity campaigns to ensure 2024 Festival attendance isn’t adversely affected by rumors this one had been hit by Ebola or Covid scares.
9) Future publicity campaigns to name the NorCal Solano County Mediterranean walled town funded by us Valley billionaires (and being built from scratch on old farmland) “Black Rock City West” in honor of survivors of “Burned in ’23.”
10) Ongoing media and online outreach to counter alt-right conspiracy theories about this year’s Festival:
To wit, countering these assertions:
A) Ebola or Covid, manufactured in Deep State labs, precipitated the Festival lock-in.
B) Deep State cloud seeding and Chemtrails caused the Biblical rainstorm that instigated the washout.
C) Progressive anarchist Festival-goers reprised the Donner Party narrative that took place not too far southwest by Lake Tahoe while yelling “Eat, drink, and be merry!” in TikTok posts.
D) This disaster was tied to President Biden’s recent Lake Tahoe visit.
E) Vivek Ramaswamy, undercover at Burning Man, was right in espousing notions that rain causing the flooding was Biblical and not due to Climate Change, but wrong in seeking donations from the very leftist tech capitalists who espouse such beliefs in attendance.
G) Marjorie Taylor Greene, who spoke of the Fairy Shrimp as akin to Manna from Heaven, asserted that hedonistic revelers were brainwashed into believing climate change caused the washout when it was obviously an act of God striking out against a modern Sodom and Gomorrah or Gonorrhea.
H) The fact that flooding came from the tail-end [think serpent’s tail) of a tropical storm named Hilary confirms God’s wrath against should-be-jailed Hillary Clinton.
I) Attendees who covered their bodies with mud and saw that a beautiful art epitomized all that’s abhorrent about leftist progressive anarchists who deface their bodies with tats and piercings.
J) Burning Man represents everything that would prevent Making America Great Again! Can you imagine our once-and-future POTUS attending, even if pussy’s there to be grabbed?
